ILLNESS, RECOVERY AND PARENTHOOD 

by Kathryn Grant

spinning-world

Psycho world
The world is spinning away from me.
I hear voices I recognise, see faces I know,
But the harder I look, the more intently I hear,
The further and further they go.
 
The world is spinning away from me.
I’ve lost my grip on everything.
All that I know, all that I ever knew,
Has disappeared into a box marked 
“Nothing”.
 
The world is spinning away from me.
The fear takes control of my head,
If I open my mouth, or reach out my hand,
I’ll know for sure I am dead.
 
The world is spinning away from me.
The safest place to be is inside my head.
The best I dare hope for, the best case scenario,
Is that this is Hell and Earth continues on in my stead.
 
But slowly, so slowly…
 
The world begins to come back for me
The drugs gradually do their work.
Allowing my mind to realise
This was life after all, 
A hellish, dark, tortuous pit,
But specific to me and my worst fears,
And – thank goodness – not the end of life as we know it. 
 

Survival

strong-tree

Nothing and no one can touch me now.
I’ve been to the back of beyond
The bottom of the pit
The arse-end of society.
 
I lost my dignity, my humanity.
But – guess what?
Life is not a one-shot game
 
You are allowed to fail.
Allowed to go back to the beginning
And start again.
 
The confidence that comes,
When you’ve reached the bottom
And survived.
Is unbeatable.
 
The knowledge that this gives,
The peace that comes from knowing
How futile keeping-up-appearances can be.
Is unshakeable.
 
Who can touch me now?
I’d like to see them try.
Come at me with words, deeds, targets, tests…
All of it matters less
Than the beauty of 
Survival.

holding-baby-hands

Parenthood
It’s not about who you become
How life changes
What it teaches us.
 
It’s about the new person
You have introduced
Into the mix of life.
 
It’s not about you any more
Your hopes and dreams fade
Into your tiny bundle of EVERYTHING.
 
It’s about all of them
From their most basic need
To their most incredible dream.
 
It’s everything for them,
Your unspoken word and
Your every waking thought.
 
It’s parenthood, you see,
The circle of life if you like -
And you won’t mind one bit.
 
swirl2
 
Kathryn’s blog: Bumps and Grind
 
Images courtesy of Jetsandzepplins, Marleah Cole & Bridget Coila via Flikr