Susan's poem: Into the Deep.

Susan experienced postpartum psychosis in 2006. Here she shares her poem, 16 years on.

Into the Deep

From a rush with euphoria
Feeling on top of the world
To the sensation of exhaustion
Fear of falling to the ground.

The shower in the morning
Helped to make me aware
To feed, bath and love my baby
With much loving care.

The following weeks I carried on
Getting dressed everyday
It makes you feel better
Or so they say

I continued to do everything
As I thought I should
Hanging out the washing
Feeling reenergised
Thinking I was doing good.

No groups to join,
few visits from friends
Only when my midwife visited
She noticed I was drained.

I was starting to spiral
in to the deep.
I was running on empty
Suddenly unable to sleep.

I thought I could accomplish
Anything when I became Mum,
Within a couple of months
I began to feel numb.

Forget previous feelings,
Natural instincts I had,
Could not remember anything
Feeling I was going mad.

This itself was frightening
Not knowing who I was anymore
If I would get back to where I was
And who I was before.

Lack of sleep and eats
Plummeted me into despair
Catatonic some days
Not knowing if I was there

Being told I was getting better
Feeling like shouting out I am getting worse
But could not get the words out
I am here, I am not right, am I cursed?

Lack of understanding from all of those around
Caused more distress and isolation
As I felt this was my life
And I was not to be found

Fearing institutions and staff
throwing away the key
Thinking everyone else
would be better off without me.

Soon I did discover
That help was there for me.
Experts in their fields providing
Care for baby and thee.

As treatment started to work
And I started recovery,
Looking after myself first,
Allows me to look after my family.

Look after yourself, be good and kind.
Having an insight helps to maintain a healthy mind.