Rachel's story: When my midwife commented on how much I was doing, I realised there could be something wrong
After giving birth to my first baby, my midwife visited my home and found me cooking a meal. She asked how on earth I had time to cook when I had just come home from hospital. I realised at that point that I was doing too much – but I still tried to brush it off. Soon, however, I was making mistakes, feeling confused and seeing things that weren’t really there.
It was 2016 when I had my first baby. The pregnancy went well, but I was unsure which medication was safe for me to take, so I stopped taking it.
I had been on aripiprazole as I experienced a psychotic episode in 2007 and was diagnosed with acute transient psychotic disorder. I became worried about the side effects and the potential impact on my baby when I was pregnant, so I just stopped having it. The health professionals did talk to me about Mother and Baby Units, on the off chance that I became unwell, but I refused to go and look around because I was distrusting of that, as well.
The birth was quite traumatic because my baby had meconium in his lungs and had to go to the neonatal unit for four days. However, once he was well I felt positive and we all went home as a new family.
When I got home, I thought everything could go back to normal. I was cooking, cleaning, doing the night feeds and barely sleeping. When the midwife asked how on earth I had time to cook what with a new baby I thought maybe she has a point and maybe I am doing too much. But I still tried to brush it off.
Then I started making mistakes with the bottles, dropping them and getting the timings confused. I think that’s when the hallucinations started, as I would look at the clock and it would say 12pm, then I’d make a bottle and look back at the clock and it would say it was 3pm.
I tried to call the mental health team at one point but I kept making mistakes with the phone too. It was an old-style landline and I would hear it ringing but then I would look at where the phone was sitting on its dock and it wouldn’t be there. It was another hallucination.
Eventually, I got through to my husband who came home from work. He spoke with my Community Psychiatric Nurse (CPN) and together they put a plan in place to get me back on my meds.
While I wasn’t keen on visiting the MBU at first, I was able to access the classes and therapy sessions there as an outpatient which really helped. We started changing how I managed things at home too, sharing the night feeds, and the cooking and the cleaning. I just didn’t know when to stop but I came to realise that I was simply doing too much. Eventually, I started to feel like myself again.
When I asked my husband if I was invisible he realised just how unwell I was
However, when my baby was two I had another relapse. I think the stress of moving house and getting married might have played a role in that, as well as me coming off the meds again because we were trying for another baby. This was quite a big relapse and I remember thinking I was in the movie, Lucy (with Scarlett Johansson), and believing I had these superpowers and could travel through time.
When I asked my husband if I was invisible he realised just how unwell I was and called my mum who came to stay with us. They took me back to see the doctor and together they helped me to get back on my meds. With the meds back in my system I started to get well again.
Once I became pregnant for the second time I stopped taking my meds again for a while. However, during the second trimester I found APP’s peer support service, which really helped. I met with Natalie, attended café groups and never stopped going. It was during the third trimester that I started to feel unwell and I wanted to nip it in the bud. That’s when my CPN persuaded me to get back on my meds. My baby was poorly again with meconium and this time he really struggled and was in the children’s hospital for two weeks. It was so traumatic, we very nearly lost him. I was convinced I was going to relapse but I kept taking my meds and everything was more or less fine. I did, however, experience quite a bit of depression and anxiety that time.
Following a miscarriage, my third baby was born in 2024 with a planned caesarean because I didn’t want to risk any problems with meconium again. This time, I also remained well throughout.
Today, I want to give back and share my story to help others feel less alone and raise awareness. I’ve learnt my lesson about the need for me to take my medication consistently, and I’ve found peer support really helpful, so I want to be able to provide the same kind of support for others.
I now feel I can put my trust in the health professionals, the decisions they make and advice they give as it’s had such a positive impact on my life. I’ve been well now since 2021, and I love working as part of the APP peer support team.