Adeline's poetry about PP

You were

You were
Not even a glint
Until you were

You were
Precious cargo
A source of staggering worry

You were
A strong boy
Strength borrowed from Mummy

You were
Born and hungry
Anxiety rising in me

You were
So soft and healthy
I was diminishing, quickly

You were
A stranger
For a long, long time

Until you weren’t

I saw

I saw my mother holding my baby
I saw kindness swirling in her eyes
I saw myself gathering broken pieces
I saw the sunrise lifting me out of the dark

I saw kindness holding my baby
I saw myself swirling in her eyes
I saw the sunrise gathering broken pieces
I saw my mother lifting me out of the dark

Transference: A poem for Malcolm

You held me
And something took place
Like magic
You absorbed my turmoil
Crushing it into a million pieces
Allowing fall and scatter and mess
Into the Earth
You held me
Where the sun eventually shone
And slowly
The pieces grew light

A poem for Reuben

You are
The dream
I never knew I had
Until it came true

You are
The shock
That slowly melted my heart
Into warm bliss

You are
My comfort
I am
Your comfort

Sunrise/Recovery

Each morning
Filled with dread
Shapeless numbness
I couldn’t once bare
Now resemble
Infinite sunlight beams
Blissfully warming
My entire being

10pm meds

A line of lost and broken mothers
Queue along the corridor
Waiting patiently for their turn

They wear flip flops and pajamas
Displaying ‘good vibes’ logos, unicorns and rainbows
This is not how it’s meant to be

The raw strength and determination of a new-born mother in choppy waters

I fight
To keep him afloat
Drowning myself
In the process

My mind is lost
Somewhere along the horizon
I pass him to my loved ones safely ashore
Before my flailing limbs
Eventually weaken

Untitled

A glint
became a seed
and fear embeds
deeply rooting
within the positive lines

Threads
of catastrophic thoughts
grow rapidly
while cells form and develop
into my unknown

Good luck charms
of a cherub necklace
or Holy Mother
seldom offer solace
to my sleep

The toilsome birth
inaugurates my unravelling
with wild decibels
and once born
the cord is cut

He is here

but I am not

What keeps me well

What keeps me well
is an awareness
my nervous system
is precious

What keeps me well
is a curious mind
dark stories that make toes curl
yet still offer hope and light

What keeps me well
is a gentle watch
from afar, partner’s palm
rested on my shoulder

What keeps me well
is a goodnight message
of care, kindness, safety
from my mother