Juliette’s story: I’m a midwife, but I wasn’t prepared for postpartum psychosis

It’s so odd to go completely mad. It’s such a weird experience. I remember quite a lot of it and how vivid and visceral those feelings were and, even though I’d experienced mental health problems in the past, nothing quite prepared me for postpartum psychosis.

I’m a midwife, and I’ve supported other women with perinatal mental illness. I’ve even suspected PP in others so I have some awareness of it. But even with that knowledge and experience, I never considered it was something that might happen to me.

My pregnancy went smoothly and I really enjoyed it. I didn’t feel particularly worried or anxious about anything. I was hoping for a home birth but I was open minded so when I ended up in hospital it wasn’t an issue for me. Being a midwife, there were some things that played on my mind, like the risk of stillbirth, for example, because these are things we have to deal with, and I had some concerns about postnatal depression because I’d suffered with depression before. But I felt so well in pregnancy that I didn’t feel the need for any additional support or referrals

I went into labour and had a beautiful few days at home but after the second day of labour I wasn’t progressing well so I was transferred into hospital. I had quite a lot of gas and air which I felt messed with my head a bit and, because my waters had broken three days earlier and I wasn’t progressing, they suggested I have a C Section.

I agreed but remember having a panic attack in theatre. I couldn’t cope with the feel of it and I think it also triggered some past trauma as well. However, not long after I was holding my baby boy and feeling delighted.

We went home and I remember being quite happy but crying a lot. I struggled with sleep because I kept having nightmares, so I tried not to sleep and just watched my baby. Obviously the midwives that visited knew something wasn’t quite right because they suggested I speak to the mental health midwife. She suggested sleeping pills but they just weren’t touching the sides – I remained wide awake.

I started to notice strange things, too. I’d believe that the films we were watching were about me. Even films like The Aristocats!

I also became completely obsessed with snooker. My partner, Ross, taught me the rules and we watched it on TV and I thought I was really clever learning such complicated rules after giving birth. I’d even tell the midwives all about it.

Then, one morning, I was retching and needing to throw up but I couldn’t. In my mind I thought I was maybe like a baby that needed burping so I lay down on the floor and was crawling around. Then I crawled to see Ross and told him that I’d unlocked one of the biggest secrets of the universe – that when you give birth you have an experience where you become like the baby which helps you learn how to look after a baby. I phoned my mum and told her this as well.

Both Ross and my mum agreed I needed to go back to hospital at this point!

I was stressed and anxious as we climbed into the Uber to go to the hospital. I was rambling and became more and more frustrated that nobody seemed to be listening to me. At the hospital I asked for a laptop and ended up frantically writing a 5,000 word essay to explain my feelings. I stayed there for five days, crying, screaming, thinking I was dying and believing all sorts of strange things – including that my colleagues were forcing me to reenact my caesarean and that my baby had died. They tried giving me different meds to help me sleep but nothing was working. It was hard and confusing being on the ward where I worked with my colleagues looking after me.. My beliefs about different films being about me worsened during this time and I also became obsessed with my phone, sending hundreds of messages to lots of different people, including colleagues and big group chats. It feels embarrassing looking back but everyone’s been so understanding. At that point I was sectioned and taken to the Mother and Baby Unit (MBU) in Bournemouth – quite a trek from my home town of Brighton.

It was a traumatic journey because I didn’t want to go – I just wanted to go home so I was rambling and shouting. I believed the faster I spoke the faster the ambulance would go. I was absolutely petrified because I didn’t really understand what an MBU was at that point – I thought it was something to do with social services.

When I arrived at the MBU, I thought I was dying of an opioid overdose. I think my breathing was slowing, and I felt I was a bit catatonic. After a day or so Ross and my baby came in and we settled into this pattern of Ross coming in all day, me having my baby, and the baby going to the nursery at night

A lady in a patterned short sleeved shirt with short hair and sunglasses on her head, sitting on a bead next to her daughter, who is lying down with her small baby next to her.
Juliette's mum visiting her in the MBU

I was on the MBU for about four weeks, but for the last week I was allowed home on leave to Brighton.

Once my psychosis had passed I was discharged to go home properly, but I fell into a very deep depression. I had so much grief about everything that happened, what I’d missed out on, how embarrassing it all was. Luckily Ross was off work for four months – something we’d planned because I was worried about having depression before I gave birth – but when he eventually went back to work I just had no confidence with how to look after our baby.

Unfortunately, I became suicidal and had to go back to a different MBU to treat the depression a few months later. I started on lithium at this point. I was quite scared of that drug because of the blood tests you have to have to monitor things and it sounds quite intense and scary but it did seem to work and I’ve started to feel much better – although the whole experience still feels incredibly sad and unfair.

My baby is so much more interactive now so that’s really nice, but I was always so excited for that tiny newborn phase and I’m heartbroken that I missed out on so much of it. But we are having nicer times as a family now which I’m enjoying.

I honestly can’t thank my friends and family enough for all their support during my illness and recovery, and I’ve had great help from APP’s peer supporters too.

That’s why a group of us are fundraising for APP by taking part in a 10k run in April.

A woman with her hair tied back, glasses and a smile on her face, holding a tray with half eaten cinnamon buns and a purple t-shirt that says APP on the front
Enjoying cinnamon buns after a run

I’d honestly say to anyone experiencing PP that people are generally more understanding than you might think they’ll be. It’s invaluable for you and your partner to have that extra support so do reach out for help and remember, there’s no shame in having PP. It’s not your fault.

To find out more about Juliette’s fundraiser and donate click here