Leanne’s story: Reading other people’s recovery stories has allowed me to process what happened to me

I have always been a worrier, but I felt pregnancy was a particularly long and very anxious time in my life. I only really began to relax towards the end and then suddenly here she was!

She was actually ten days overdue when we toddled to hospital for induction in May 2022. Labour was long, and it ended in a forceps delivery which was difficult.

Post delivery, though, I began perking up. I was in theatre, and, because we love Grey's Anatomy, it was kind of exciting to be there. Plus, I finally got some pain relief. But looking back, it's hard to determine if those feelings were actually the start of my symptoms of postpartum psychosis (PP).

Immediately after the birth, my husband and I burst into tears of happiness. I was on cloud nine, and for a fair stretch of time I rarely came back down. Just over a week after giving birth, I was diagnosed with PP and our world stopped turning.

We had been discharged two days after the birth and were at home for six days. Whilst at home I was struggling to breastfeed and found being a new mum challenging. However, I was in awe of our newborn and could not process the sheer amount of joy and stimulation she had brought to our lives. The first memories of her meeting friends and family were magical and I didn't want to miss a thing. So I didn't. Within the first six days I literally only slept a handful of hours which really took its toll. It's difficult to know if the lack of sleep triggered PP or if the lack of sleep was a symptom of PP. I'm sure this must be a common conundrum amongst other survivors.

It started off gradually but things became rapidly worse.

My behaviour became really out of character, and my husband described me as a different person. I had the energy of a Duracell bunny, talking erratically and making less and less sense as things progressed. My moods were very up and down but, because we were first time parents and had been told about baby blues and hormones, it took us a week to call for help as we thought it must be normal. But I progressively got worse and fluctuated between euphoric highs and tearful lows. I began gathering items for a tool kit in a strange manner which concerned everyone.

When we eventually called NHS 24 they recommended that I should go straight to A&E. From there, I was admitted to the Mother & Baby Unit (MBU) where I stayed with my daughter for the next five weeks, at first voluntarily and then under section.

After entering hospital I declined even further and it was clear that I was extremely unwell. Despite mainly being on a high and euphoric, I was also confused and angry at the situation and responded slowly to medication, leading to the decision to receive Electroconvulsive Therapy (ECT), which was a turning point in my recovery. I began to improve almost immediately - within just two sessions. The effects allowed me to slow down and rest and in turn begin to process things at a more suitable speed.

After both myself and my daughter tested positive for Covid the decision was taken that we would best recover at home. We were close to beginning the transition to home visits and I received great support from the MBU and the Acute Care and Support Team. At the time I was desperate to get home and begin our life as a family of three, however this was just the beginning in accepting what had happened.

I have since struggled a lot with the stigma of having mental health issues which is why I became so interested in raising awareness around the topic and sharing my story. When I was ill I became obsessed with music and the playlist I had prepared for labour. Sadly, we were never able to use it during the birth but, because I have always loved music, I have since found it therapeutic to listen to during my recovery. I have also enjoyed reading memoirs written by survivors as well as other books focusing on perinatal mental health. Reading different recovery stories has been the most helpful thing to process what happened to me in peace and feel like my story and feelings are valid. Despite the challenging symptoms and experiences that I would not wish on anyone, reading that I was not alone and that others had experienced similar things was the biggest help in terms of finding acceptance.

On the ward I regularly put my checkered Vans on (I thought of them as my ‘getaway shoes’) and tried to make a break for it, but in the time that has passed since leaving hospital there have been many days when I would be grateful to go back to the MBU for a break from my head. I wish it was known that if you require admission and some help at this vulnerable time, that its not something to fear - the care and support on an MBU is incredible, in my experience. I will be eternally grateful to the nurses and psychiatric team who looked after my tiny bundle and me - and also supported my husband and immediate family through a critical period. Having no diagnosed history of mental health issues in the past, my experience came as a big shock for us all as we managed new expectations and grieved the newborn period we had hoped for.

I had no idea such vital and important work was going on every day in a hospital, a few minutes away.

Upon my discharge from the MBU, I received leaflets from the charity Action on Postpartum Psychosis (APP). I have since benefited from their online forum, informative website, one to one support, cafe zoom groups and the continual updates on fundraising and positive recovery stories. Speaking to others who have also experienced PP has been really helpful to me, finding a community and others who can relate to my story makes me feel less alone.

We are now thrilled to be raising money for this incredible charity by walking in the Edinburgh Kiltwalk on Sunday 15th September. The walk is a unique way to raise funds for a charity you care about.

And hopefully, our now two-year-old little red head will meet us at the finish line.

To find out more about Leanne’s Kiltwalk fundraiser and to donate, click here.