Shubina’s story: Finding your ‘tribe’ in recovery is so important 

It was 1997 when I got married to a man I didn’t know. I was a very naïve 23 year-old, and wasn’t ready for marriage. So, there was the shock of that and then the shock of marrying someone from a different culture who spoke a different language. Worse still, as the marriage progressed, he became abusive and controlling. 

 I fell pregnant quickly. My pregnancy was difficult – I didn’t put on much weight, I was sick all the way through and my husband’s abuse went up a gear. I turned to my mum and dad for support, and they were just amazing. With them by my side I was able to leave and I finally felt safe. 

 The final part of my pregnancy was more stable, although I did have a long and exhausting labour. My mum stayed with me throughout and, eventually, my beautiful daughter was born. I went home to Mum’s but, two days later, my husband turned up, banging on the door. I was holding my baby and he threatened me while she was in my arms. It was frightening and I think this was the trigger for my postpartum psychosis (PP). 

 I couldn’t sleep, I was too afraid to eat and I became extremely paranoid. After about five days of no food or sleep the hallucinations started. My younger brother tried to encourage me to eat, but the paranoia I was experiencing was too strong. 

By this point I was in the midst of a psychotic episode and I didn’t trust any healthcare professionals, convinced that they were going to hurt my baby.  

 My family didn’t know what to do so my mum went to the doctors and asked for help. A couple of doctors came out to the house but they didn’t know what was wrong with me either. This was a time when there wasn’t much awareness of PP.  

A family friend at the time was a nurse who suggested it might have something to do with giving birth so my dad took me to the mental health unit where I was voluntarily admitted. There was no Mother and Baby Unit at the time so I had to leave my baby at home in the care of my amazing sister who took time off work to look after her for me. 

I was in the mental health unit for a total of three weeks. I remember when I first got there, still in the psychosis, I was confused as to where I was, and my superhero - my dad - would visit me every day, even though he wasn’t allowed in to see me, but he would just sit in the grounds to be close to me. 

After I was discharged, my dad took all the family on holiday. He said we’d all been through so much we needed to get away. Tragically, whilst away, he suddenly died after being in a car accident. It was horrific. I had fully recovered by now, but feared I might relapse. I didn’t though. In fact, I haven’t experienced an episode of psychosis since.

I gained so much strength from my dad and in life he really helped me to recover. 

Since then, I had another baby, a son, and after he was born I became a single mum again and have been ever since. When I was pregnant the second time I had a lot of healthcare support in the run up to the birth and I didn’t get unwell again. In fact, I’ve never had to have any mental health support since first having PP. 

Driven by my own experience, I went back to college and retrained as a psychotherapist so I can help others who have experienced mental illness. I’ve also started volunteering for APP’s Muslim Women’s Support Group. There was so little awareness when I experienced PP that it took me 25 years to find peer support through APP – which I discovered after a Facebook ad popped up on my feed.  

The Muslim Mum’s Cafe Group is so important on many levels, but what is particularly important for me is that, as human beings, and this goes back to the beginning of time, we’ve always lived in tribes.

And for a Muslim woman, because our experiences can be unique to our culture, finding other women who look like us, who sound like us and who have been through some of the things we have is invaluable.

There’s a huge cultural aspect to PP in my community and stigma is very much alive and well, so being visible and sharing my story is so important because many Muslim women still don’t seek help.  

I know that having PP is a really scary time, but I want others to know that there is help out there, you’re not alone and the APP community is here for you. And, like me, you can recover.