Nobody in my family had heard of postpartum psychosis before, and even some of the doctors who were first treating me didn’t know what it was. But getting admitted to an MBU and finding the APP peer support community has been an amazing help.
It was 2019 when I had my first baby. Our son was born after a relatively straightforward pregnancy and a really good birth. I’d taken a hypno-birthing course, practiced relaxations and visualisations, and, on the day itself, I enjoyed a very quick labour with no need for pain intervention. I felt so lucky and it’s a nice moment to look back on because, not long after leaving hospital, things went downhill very quickly indeed.
As a first-time mum I was really anxious.
You don’t get handed a manual and every child is different, so I was always worrying about whether or not I was doing things right. I also felt as though I got a lot of mixed messages from the different midwives and health visitors, so I found everything confusing.
I started writing lots of lists and obsessing over things like the number of dirty nappies he should have, and I struggled with breastfeeding too. Add to that a total lack of sleep (I think I must have got around eight hours in total during the first week at home after birth) and not eating well and my anxiety was through the roof.
The problem is, when you’re a first-time parent, you expect big changes, so we didn’t know if all this was normal or not. However, after being at home for a week there was a turning point when things got really bad.
I remember getting a shower and hearing my baby crying. I told my husband but, in reality, we knew that I couldn’t really hear him crying because he was too far away. I think that might have been my first hallucination.
After that, my moods became really up and down.
I had low mood and tears one minute, the next I’d be normal, and the next I’d be really high, hyper and giggly. It became really obvious to my husband that something was wrong, but he had no idea what it could be.
During an evening meal, around a week after the birth of my son, I was holding my baby and could see him turning blue and choking before my eyes. I was hysterical, I truly believed my baby boy was dying in my arms. Of course, he wasn’t turning blue or choking – this was another hallucination.
Soon after the hallucination that my son was dying in my arms, we went to my mother-in-law’s for a night. On the way to her house all I could hear was the baby crying, it was so distressing. Talking to my husband more recently, he told me I was deadly silent during the journey. Once we were at my mother in law’s I actually slept really well. But the next morning things got worse. I was convinced my baby had died – and that the baby I was holding was somebody else’s.
My husband talked me into going to A&E – saying we should get our son checked over. In reality, he wanted to get me seen by a doctor as he knew that I was the one who was unwell.
During that first visit to A&E I was really delusional and paranoid. I was admitted to hospital that night – to a geriatric ward (which was really inappropriate) – but I was so desperate to go home I did everything I could to convince them there was nothing wrong with me, that it was just a case of sleep deprivation. My husband said I was quite convincing at that point and I think that’s why, after being transferred to an MBU the following day, my initial admission was so short. I was there for three and a half weeks. Of course, when I went home, having convinced everyone I was well and stable, things gradually worsened.
My confidence was shot and I was full of anxiety and kept experiencing dips in mood. I struggled to go anywhere alone and became paranoid about bad things happening to my baby, so I found it really difficult to do things like taking him swimming. The intrusive thoughts were just awful.
Around this time I started going to baby groups and meeting up with other mums and family friends. I also had support in the community from the perinatal service and we eventually tapered me off my meds. Unfortunately, it was all too soon and then Covid hit – which was also a big trigger for me.
So, nine months after having my baby, I was admitted to an MBU once again. And, once again, I tried to convince them I was well and after a few short weeks I was actually discharged for a week, but I ended up being re-admitted.
By this point I think I became resigned to the fact that I was ill, and I was no longer able to convince everyone otherwise. I started engaging with the activities and therapies in the MBU – baking, painting my nails, having psychotherapy. I was also finally on the right medication.
When I came out of the MBU after the third admission, I was much more confident. I was happier to do things with my son, happier to socialise. I went back to work which was really difficult, but since then I changed jobs and my new team and management have been so supportive.
I have now been diagnosed with bipolar which would account for the first relapse when my son was nine months old, but I’ve had my daughter since and we had no problems or relapses, so, with the right help, things can be managed.
The experience of PP, although horrible and traumatic, has also given me some positives. I think I feel more confident and able to stand up for myself these days. I know I don’t want to become unwell again so I am much more able to identify when I need to practice some self-care.
Now, things are really good for us. My husband and I have been doing lots of fundraisers for APP which have been great fun to do, and we have also joined the charity’s peer support community. I attend café groups and it’s made such a difference. Meeting people who have had what you have – especially when you’d never previously heard of it – is so powerful. My husband also goes to the partner peer support groups and my mother-in-law is also involved in APP’s peer support. We also take an annual trip to Bournemouth MBU around my son’s birthday which is such a positive thing for us, the staff love seeing us and we look forward to the trip every year.
If anyone reading this is going through PP or in the early stages of recovery my advice would be to listen to the professionals and accept all the help you can. I truly believe I would have recovered a lot sooner if I was able to accept that I was unwell. I’d also say do everything you possibly can to get as much sleep as you can, whether that’s asking the MBU staff to have the baby overnight or asking a family member to help so you can get a cat nap during the day. But perhaps most importantly, I’d like them to know that, although it’s a really tough time, you should never blame yourself. It’s not your fault and there’s nothing you did wrong.
And you can recover – I am proof of that.
Saturday 21st June - Mam Tor Challenge, Peak District, Derbyshire
