Kayleigh’s story: I’m running the London Marathon to show that you can fully recover from postpartum psychosis

I had never heard of postpartum psychosis before I experienced it and do not recall it being mentioned on any of the prenatal courses that I had studiously attended! It came as a total shock as I had always thought of myself as having very good mental health. I was very excited to become a mum, however, this incredibly exciting time was clouded by a terrifying experience and I couldn’t see any way through it – I certainly didn’t think I would ever recover.

I’m now sharing my story and training to run the London Marathon to increase awareness of this condition and give hope to those currently experiencing it.

I want others to know that you can make a full recovery and go back to leading a normal and very happy life.

My story

We were absolutely delighted to find out we were pregnant, it was a little earlier in our relationship than we had planned but all the same, we couldn’t wait to be parents. I had a relatively smooth pregnancy and had done ‘all the reading’ and attended lots of prenatal classes, NCT group, a breastfeeding course, baby first aid, etc. I thought I was well prepared for postpartum.

It all started with a traumatic birth, two days of labour with a dramatic rush into theatre for a c section which was narrowly avoided. Instead, my son was delivered by forceps and I had to have an episiotomy (a surgical incision to expedite delivery).

The long labour and pain from the episiotomy meant that I didn’t sleep well for almost a whole week. Thinking that this was ‘normal’ for new parents, we laughed off these initial warning signs. Then, I started to hallucinate, forgetting who I was, or who our son was.

I, and those closest to me, noticed that I was experiencing extreme highs and lows - feeling incredibly happy one moment and in total despair the next. I was very fortunate to have community midwives throughout my pregnancy who knew me well and also noticed that this wasn’t normal for me.

I was very nervous about asking for help - I had tried to hide how I was feeling and was constantly dismissing it as ‘normal baby blues’. It was a very confusing time for me and I remember not feeling like I could trust anyone. I had racing thoughts and felt like I couldn’t switch off so I gave up trying and offered to do all of the nights with our son as I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep anyway.

I was admitted to hospital on day three after giving birth as my husband was concerned about my very low mood. However, my more alarming symptoms were missed and they discharged me after helping me to breastfeed.

When I got back home I was very scared and knew that I needed help. On a routine visit on day seven, my community midwife advised me to contact 111 and ask for the mental health crisis team which I did. The mental health team responded very quickly and visited our house within a few hours and, at this point, my mind was constantly racing and I was very worried that I would never feel normal again. I remember finding the visits from the mental health team, perinatal team and social workers very difficult as I was struggling to retain information or sequence days, I felt like I was constantly confused and that there were too many strangers in my home. I wished that they would go away and leave us alone and I was hoping that I could say what they wanted to hear so they would leave and not come back. However, I was talking too quickly and therefore concerning the professionals even more and at one point they mentioned the possibility of sectioning me which led me into a complete panic.

However, I ended up being treated at home with daily appointments from the mental health crisis team and perinatal team. I had never heard of a mother and baby unit and now with hindsight, I believe that this would have been a brilliant option for me.

Although very reluctant to take any medication (I am the kind of person who won’t take paracetamol unless it is absolutely the last resort), I started to take Olanzapine about ten days postpartum. I didn’t get on well with it initially as the dosage was too high for me and I was very dizzy - not a great combination when caring for a new baby! But it definitely helped and allowed me to get the sleep and the break from my racing mind that I desperately needed.

The perinatal team in Suffolk were fantastic. I had regular meetings with my mental health nurse, Emma, and was lucky enough to be assigned a children’s nurse, Clare, who worked hard to ensure that I bonded with my son.

The perinatal team also organised walks and craft activities with other mothers in similar circumstances, which I found very helpful as it made me feel like I wasn’t the only new mum going through this.

Thankfully, once I started to sleep, it didn’t take too long to start feeling more like myself and I was able to start processing what had happened. I held onto the guilt for a very long time, feeling like I had spoilt the first few weeks of fatherhood for my husband and had ruined the excitement of a new baby for our whole family as they were all worrying about me. I think I am still coming to terms with what happened and making peace with it. It was a huge step forward when I felt comfortable to start speaking about what happened and that is what has led me to sharing my story more widely.

I do feel very fortunate in my experience, however, that I did maintain a bond with my son. Although at times I didn’t know who he was, which is heartbreaking, I continued to care for him all the same.

My message to others would be to trust the process - it is incredibly hard when you’re in the midst of postpartum psychosis but know that you can trust your closest family and friends to lead you back to yourself again with the support of the medical professionals. If you are not getting the support you need and are still not feeling right please continue to ask for help. Calling 111 worked for me, but I know that this is not always the case for everyone so please reach out to fantastic charities like APP who can signpost you to the care you need.

I am now fundraising for APP by running the London Marathon in April in the hope of raising awareness for this incredible charity, and to share my story to bring hope to those mothers and families currently going through something similar.

I am now back to myself again, living a full and happy family life, alongside working full time as a high school teacher. I remember being frightened that I would never be able to do any of this again when I was unwell but now I am living proof that you can recover.

To sponsor Kayleigh’s London Marathon fundraiser, visit her fundraising page here.