Jenny's poem: 'Tick Tock'

Tick Tock By Jenny Stevenson

Tick tock, tick tock
There’s no going back, our lives are changed forever.
We’re three, he’s ours, I’m happy.

Tick tock, tick tock
This is hard, relentless, it’s down to me.
I’m anxious, I’m tired, keep going.

Tick tock, tick tock
“It gets easier”, “This is normal”.
Really? I can’t sleep, I need sleep.

Tick tock, tick tock
So anxious. This isn’t right.
It must be. Help. No, I’m fine.

Tick tock, tick tock
This is it. This is motherhood.
It’s a test. I can’t do this. I’m failing.

Tick tock, tick tock
Exhaustion. Confusion. I can’t think.
The cycle begins. Nothing makes sense, I’m broken.

I’m lost. I’ve fallen in a black hole.
There’s no time here, just my own racing, confused thoughts.
Down I go, behind a thick fog, drifting to the surface then plunging back down ever deeper.

Everything means something
But nothing makes sense.
I’m creator of this lost word. But I have no control. I can’t make it stop.

Language, colour, letters, numbers,
All meaning is spiralling in abstract.
Who am I? Where am I? Who are you?
I’m the bringer of life yet this is surely death.

Tick tock, tick tock
I control time now. I’m Mother Earth.
Time has been reset.
Forwards, backwards, pausing, racing. Always stuck on ‘T’.

Toby. My Toby.
He anchors me somehow.
In the Groundhog Day I’m living, do it for him.

Tick tock, tick tock
Slowly the fog lifts, slowly more clarity, more certainty, less suspicion.
I find my voice again. I start to see the world again.
It’s time to re-enter it, time to start living.