Suzie's poems about PP

Suzie experienced PP in 2026 after the birth of her second child. Writing and painting has played an important part in her recovery. Below are some poems that she has written about her experience.

A lucid moment

I’m in my own head but my thoughts are confusing
I can smell her milky breath and her weight on my chest
Who is she and who am I and what does she want from me
All of the nurses and all of the doctors I fear they know what I’m thinking and who are they and what are their intentions
My familiar faces seem alien at times and I wonder who are they and what are their intentions
I try to write it all down to stop the thoughts spilling out of my head
I am afraid and I am sad and I am lonely
But here she is with her milky breath and her weight on my chest
I feel like nothing but to her I am everything

What’s wrong with Suzie?

Nine months of growing you and all they ever say
When’s it coming, how’s the baby
They don’t give me the time of day
Monitors and machines used to check my baby’s heart
If they asked how I’m doing I wouldn’t know where to start
Through pain and pushing we meet you, this tiny new life
My husband doesn’t spare a second to look over at his wife
Here you are screaming, wriggling and red
I put my hands out to reach you unable to leave my bed
Nuzzling at my breast they all expect me to know how
You’ve researched and read books and hey you’re a mother now
I thought I’d feel a connection, some kind of innate spark
My mind is foggy and fractured and it’s shrouded all in dark
Now I’m frightened and fearful and confused
Look at you they laugh you’ve barely moved
Fear she will die, no sleep, no food
Just leave me alone I’m not trying to be rude
I see shadows and insects and my baby has a devilish face
I try to remember what’s happening but all of my thoughts race
Family came to see baby but now they’re all looking at me
Suddenly an audible whisper “what’s wrong with Suzie?”
Taken away to a place that isn’t my choice
I can’t speak, I can’t scream, they have taken my voice
Whispers of my name louder and louder they start to scream
Is it day time, am I dying, is all of this a dream
They’re out to get me, they can read what I think
Wild eyes in the mirror, hands clutch the bathroom sink
They’re poisoning my thoughts, my food even my hair
I whisper it to my family, why don’t they seem to care
Thoughts implanted in my mind, there’s cameras in my eyes
They’re out to get me why don’t my family realise
They’re just clones in this world that I know is a simulation
Hey look at me wow I’ve had this amazing revelation
Me and her left all alone in this place
Eyes in the mirror again, is that really my face
Pills and more pills, another and another,
I’m starting to remember that I am a mother
Back home there is depression, anguish and guilt
Leave me alone, go away, I want to hide under my quilt
Frustration, fear, is this how it will always be
But then my lovely 3 month old daughter looks up and smiles at me

The reason why

I can’t tell them what I’m thinking
I can’t let them know I’m sad
If they look into my mind, they will know that I am mad
What if I hurt myself, what if I hurt my child?
I’m avoiding all the mirrors, I know that I look wild
I know they are watching me, there are cameras in my eyes
I try to act normal, I keep on telling lies
I’m seeing things and hearing things that I’m not sure are there
I can no longer hide it, I’m too far gone to care
I know they are out to get me, I’m starting to lose my mind
I know they can read my thoughts, I’m scared what they will find
Please don’t take my baby, I tell you that I’m sane
I have to keep my baby, it doesn’t matter that I’m in pain
I’m out of touch with reality, I don’t know what is real
They keep on asking and asking, what is it that you feel?
They’re going to lock me up and throw away the key
If only things were different, they would see the real me
It takes time to get better, it will take time to mend
I’m starting to finally realise these people are my friend
Eventually I’ll get better, I’ll smile and say goodbye
I look at my baby knowing that she’s the reason why.

Missed signs

A baby in a cot, a baby on the floor
Which one is real I can’t remember anymore
Insects on her baby gro, spiders crawl up my arm
Don’t worry they say, they won’t cause any harm
Hands clamped over my ears, there’s a voice in my head
Quickly do it now, you’re better off dead
Careful where you look, there’s cameras in your eyes
I can see a glitch in the world, it’s something to do with flies
The universe sends me signals, a message just for me
Peering in my baby’s cot, what will I see
A devilish being or my sweet little child
Beautiful blue eyes or eyes that are wild
Please don’t read my thoughts they’re twisted and dark
I gaze in the mirror, the black eyes of a shark
If I kill myself now will this simulation end
Or will I have broken my children’s hearts they’ll struggle to mend
I’m trapped in a nightmare, I struggle to wake
I don’t trust my loved ones, they all seem fake
This can’t be real, my own special place in hell
What happens then if I never get well
This wasn’t supposed to happen, how did it come to this
What were the signs that everyone missed