Victoria's poem: Beautiful Blessing

Beautiful Blessing by Victoria Ribbons

I am so happy. Blooming they call it.
We worry about you -
mummy must still take her tablets.
To make her better, to keep us safe.
We stare at you on the screen,
Our bouncing bean. Our precious little girl.
I do not know why but sadness encompasses me
It drowns me, it steals my bloom.

One minute you're there in my belly
I know you're there, constantly jabbing, reminding me
I don't quite know what I think of you but
You can't come out yet, you're too small -
Everywhere is in pain, all over, all-consuming pain
My head aches, my body hurts, you're killing me.
My body bulges.
I want you out, I want it over. Hurry up.

I am laid out on my back. White. Sterile smell.
Tugging, pulling, fighting. Talking.
You are torn out of me three months too early
I glimpse you, you are rushed away.
You live in a box, I don't see you for three days
Everyone else does.
You're beautiful, I'm told, a real fighter.
I didn't want you out, I didn't want it over. It's too late.

The guilt has set in, I see you
I stare at you, you're not mine
I look at the six neatly lined up boxes -
Anyone of you could be mine, I am wheeled to one in the corner
I am consumed with feelings, not the ones that I thought I would feel
You are so tiny and helpless, I am meant to feel
Veins shine through your limp little body
Your skin is so delicate, I am scared to touch you.

Tubes keep you alive.
Beeping, beeping, shrieking
Weeks pass, we get through it
I act as I am meant to
You come home, I think we are happy,
Short lived. You stop breathing.
You are resuscitated,
We wait outside. More tubes

I cannot cope, It is too much
We start the journey again
Weeks pass, we get through it
You come home again
I feel – well I don't
I let my badness out through my blood
I should not be near you, not hold you for too long
I am bad for you, deadly.

I keep it up. I am living a lie. Just smile.
Thoughts, flicker - I drive us into a river in my head.
Weeks pass, I cannot carry on any longer, I don't know how to get through it
Silent screams, crying silently.
I take pills, it does not work.
I try to jump from a cliff.
Police cell, empty, hospital, home, more pills.
Blur. No baby. Thank God they know - “I am not fit to be a mother.”

Psychiatric hospital. I have been engineered incorrectly. Some piece is amiss.
Four walls. Strange people. No mummy's cuddling their babies - relief
No one knows my secret
My baby is at home and I can't look after her,
I hide in the bathroom -
leaning against the hard cold wall,
I hear the alarms, the slamming. The screeching. It's terrifying.
Is this my punishment because I do not know how to be a mummy?

I shouldn't be here. It wasn't meant to be like this.
I look down and I am captivated by baby wipes, four hours -
I stare at the mum passionately gazing at her chubby content and loved baby
They look so happy. So perfect.
I start crying, flooded, choking the tears.
I am angry. Fuming. I am so unbelievably lost.
I bang my head on the wall, they stop me with towels
Why am I not with her? Where is my baby?

The guilt. Saturating guilt. Does she know I am gone?
Probably not, why did she have to be born to me?
Weeks pass. I drift further.
Each day in hospital makes the gap bigger.
I am becoming less of a mother, it's dying within me – drying up with my milk
Another failure. She is brought to see me.
I can barely look, her cry rings terror through me.
Something so tiny, this fighter, she has ruined me.

They fought for me, for us. I had lost hope.
A mother and baby unit.
We had to travel a long way but we were going to a place -
for mothers who have lost their way with their babies.
The Chamomile Suite.
It was terrifying. I had to confront you.
We stayed for three long months.
Your daddy and your brother would travel hours every weekend to see us,

It is slow.
It is painful and it is unremitting.
Dealing, scrutinising what went wrong.
Trying to fill that missing piece of the puzzle.
I'm terrified, I don't think I can do it.
It's meant to be natural,
In the first look.
The first touch. The first smell.

C-section
136 section
2 section
5.2 Section.
5.4 Section.
3 Section
17 leave Section
They miss these sections out of antenatal class.

Sun gleams through into the courtyard -
I look at you.
You are beautiful.
My blessing.
It is not your fault.
We will get there.
There is nothing more.
To love or to be loved.

We are home, I have stopped scrabbling, stopped searching
'bond' - what does that mean?
I feel flashes of hope and love -
Of protection, Of fear.
It's growing, slowly around us,
Tiny moments, sometimes so quick. But I savour them.
I will do it, one day I will look in the mirror and say -
“I am your mummy and you mean the World to me.”

Ribbons VA. Med Humanit (2012). doi: 10. 1136/medhum-2012-010233

Brentwood 10K Run

A BIG thank you to Darren Maeer for running the Brentwood 10K & raising £370 for APP. We hope you really enjoyed it! Let us know your running time & if you've now got the bug for it & are planning any more runs. Well done Darren!

Can You Help with a Research Project on Postpartum Psychosis?

I would really like to chat with you about your experience of Postpartum Psychosis. What was it like for you and your family following your diagnosis? And what types of services/support were made available to you? This should take no more than an hour and I am happy to meet wherever is most convenient for you.

If you are willing to take part in the study or would like more information, please email me, Catherine on u1037626@uel.ac.uk or phone Claire Wickham on 0208 223 4174 to leave a message.

Bipolar UK National Conference

National Conference 2012, Saturday 23rd June

The national Bipolar charity’s Conference 2012 takes place in London on Saturday 23rd June 2012. ?Included on the timetable are APP Chair Dr Ian Jones and trustee Clare Dolman, who will be running a workshop on bipolar and pregnancy with members of APP and Bipolar UK.

The keynote speaker is Paul Abbott, Bipolar UK Patron, and one of the country's most critically and commercially successful television writers, responsible for creating highly acclaimed, popular television dramas such as Shameless and State of Play.

Places are limited and will be allocated on a first come first served basis. Bipolar UK members receive a discounted delegate fee of £25. Non-Bipolar UK Members: £50. Organisation exhibitors: £150.

The full programme and application form is available from Bipolar UK's website www.bipolaruk.org.uk

Alternatively please call Bipolar UK on 0207 931 6480

BBC Radio 4 'Unravelling Eve' Update

Following the airing of ‘Unravelling Eve’ program on BBC Radio 4, the feedback we have received has been tremendous. The program was extremely well received by people from all backgrounds and interests and many have been in touch expressing their gratitude to everyone involved for their time and efforts in making it happen.

The women who took part in the workshops also received a great deal of positive and supportive feedback from friends and family. Having listened to the program, they now have a greater understanding of the challenges the women went through, and some friends were surprised by how little they already knew. We are very grateful to everyone who took part and appreciate how difficult and emotional it can be to speak about things they have probably never spoken about before. There was an instant rapport amongst the women and very quickly strong friendships formed. They all reported that taking part was a fabulous opportunity to finally meet and chat freely with others who instantly understood. They described the workshops as an extremely positive experience, emotional yet healing and cathartic.  The program is available to listen to by Clicking here.

Radio 4 Documentary: Unravelling Eve

We are very excited at APP that a Radio 4 documentary about the work we have been doing with Joan Malloy is to air next Monday, 5th December at 11:00 on BBC Radio 4. Here is how the program is described on the radio 4 website:Women who've suffered psychotic illness after childbirth talk about their journey back to recovery.

Between one in 500 and one in a thousand women suffer from postpartum psychosis after childbirth. It's an illness which often appears rapidly and without warning and leaves women in the grip of psychotic delusions or of mania. They talk of losing touch with reality and feeling split and fragmented. However, because it's comparatively rare and can happen to women with no history of mental illness, postpartum psychosis may go undiagnosed or be confused with post natal depression. In fact if it's treated properly, recovery from this very severe disorder can be very swift.

Now Radio 4 has been offered unique access to a group of women who have experienced the illness. They're taking part in an art project, funded by the Wellcome Trust, whose aim is to raise awareness of the condition.

As they meet at a workshop and in the artist Joan Molloy's studio they talk openly about what they went through, the hallucinations they suffered in the depths of the psychosis and their journey back to health. They also tackle the difficult topics of whether they wanted to harm themselves or their baby, the decision about whether to have a second child, and their perception of themselves as mothers.

The art project is supported by leading perinatal psychiatrist, Dr Ian Jones, who is working with teams in Cardiff and Birmingham universities to try to discover what it is about the physical experience of childbirth that triggers the illness. He tells us if they were able to establish whether some women had a genetic pre-disposition to the condition, it would be possible to predict which women were at high risk and to take the right steps before rather than after the illness has struck.

Presented by former journalist - Clare Dolman, who suffered an episode of postpartum psychosis herself after the birth of her first child twenty two years ago. She is a trustee of Action on Postpartum Psychosis and now works to raise awareness of the disorder.

Producer: Philippa Goodrich
A White Pebble Media production for BBC Radio 4.

Cardiff Half Marathon

Congratulations to Steph Brackpool and Mark Cox (Ward Manager of the MBU at Birmingham) for completing the Cardiff Half Marathon on behalf of APP. Steph hit 60 years old in January this year and has not done a competitive run before. This was Mark's first run too. Steph's and Mark's fundraising sites at Virginmoneygiving will remain open for another month. So far they have raised over £1200 for APP. Steph writes about her experience here. If you would like to join the APP running team and help to raise money for APP get in touch with Heather, Sue or Nicola at fundraising@www.app-network.org

Unravelling Eve - Stories of Postpartum Psychosis

APP are delighted to be working with artist Joan Malloy on this exciting Wellcome Trust funded arts project. Joan is developing a body of work which reflects upon issues of motherhood, inheritance and the familial implications of PP. A weekend workshop earlier this year allowed Joan to hear the experiences of a number of women from APP. The work is progressing well and has been the subject of a Radio 4 documentary that aired on December the 4th 2011. We are very excited about this project and look forward to sharing with you the work that is produced next year.

Joan’s past work has been an exploration of time, focussing on memories of childhood, family relationships and ageing, through a combination of photography, film, object-making and installation. Following years where her work has focused on family relationships – exploring shared experience from multiple perspectives – the work with APP will be a natural progression – exploring the shared experience of motherhood from the multiple perspectives of those who took part in the workshop. Joan’s intention is to create work which includes an arresting piece of film, which encapsulates the genetic science and values the personal narrative accounts from women from APP who have participated in the project.

Perinatal Mental Health Conference

The BSMHFT Perinatal Mental Health Research Conference in collaboration with Action on Postpartum Psychosis and the Marce Society will take place on July 8th 2011 at the Birmingham Medical Institute. All are welcome! Speakers include: Professor John Cox (identifying postnatal depression), Dr Margaret Oates (the most recent Confidential Enquiry into Maternal Deaths); Dr Ian Jones (postpartum psychosis); Dr Carol Henshaw (normal emotional changes following pregnancy); Dr Dawn Edge (considering BME issues); Dr Jess Heron (Mother and Baby Units), Dr Amanda Daley (exercise and PND); Dr Jo McCleery (infant health), Sukhi Sembi (peer support), and many more. Places are limited, so book asap to reserve a place. For further information and a booking form, contact: Shazia.hussain@bsmhft.nhs.uk

Roundup of APP news 2010

Early in 2010 we set about applying for formal charitable status to help us raise money for research into PP and APP projects. We are nearly at the finish post, and will have a charity number in early 2011. We thank Heather and Sue for their dogged determination with the process and paperwork. We now have a formal structure with a steering committee, chair, vice chair, secretary, and treasurer.

Until now, Ian and I have answered emails from members in an ad hoc way. Over the next year, Nicola Muckelroy will be setting up a Peer Support Network using trained volunteers who have recovered from PP themselves. Initially they will offer support to women and their families via email. People should telephone the Cardiff office to join APP, for information about peer support, or for signposting to resources and sources of advice.

In terms of research, we have had an exciting year. Our molecular genetic work is producing interesting findings, including overlaps with another pregnancy related condition, pre- eclampsia. Ian explains more about these exciting findings on the research page. We have produced the first piece of formal evidence from our postnatal care survey that Mother and Baby Units are more appropriate than general psychiatric units for women with illness following childbirth. We are also leading the way in terms of 'service-user' research, with a publication due out next year and presented at UK and international conferences.

Plans for 2011 include a postal survey and telephone interview study of the experiences and support needs of partners during an episode of PP. A media training workshop is planned offering women who wish to raise awareness of PP the chance to practise with real equipment and experienced trainers. Rachel’s study on changes in identity after PP will be complete next year. A study of second pregnancies is recruiting women who are pregnant or planning pregnancy, and, of course, our large scale studies of the causes and genetics of PP will continue to produce exciting results.