Being able to wake up every morning with my baby daughter by my side was amazing. As sick as I was, I really held onto that and it definitely helped me in my recovery. Mother and Baby Units (MBUs) are so important for that reason. We were a long way from home, and it was devastating being sectioned, but having Isla with me throughout is something I’ll always be grateful for.
Being a first time mum who was lucky enough to have an uncomplicated, happy pregnancy, I really wasn’t prepared for what followed.
The birth itself was really traumatic, resulting in a forceps delivery. But after that, I was strangely elated. I knew I would probably feel really happy because I’d just given birth to our beautiful baby girl. But, in hindsight, this was a whole different level of happiness. I couldn’t switch off. And I couldn’t sleep either.
I went home from hospital within a couple of days of giving birth and one of the first things I remember is that taking my pain relief was problematic. I couldn’t remember how to do it, and I kept writing down different dates, times and doses, but I still had no idea if I was taking too much or too little and it really scared me. On top of that, I was hit with a fear that they were going to take Isla away from me. My midwife would visit and spend several hours trying to reassure me, but no matter what she said, she couldn’t put my mind at rest.
Then I started worrying about more things and no matter what anyone said, I couldn’t stop obsessing. For example, I was convinced I was feeding Isla incorrectly and went as far as to hire a private lactation consultant. But even when she reassured me that I was doing OK, I just didn’t believe her.
I had a sense that something wasn’t right, and, because I also hadn’t slept, I wondered if I had some kind of baby blues or something. But when my mother in law came to visit and voiced her concerns, I got really angry and told her to leave. Still, I went to see the doctor with my husband genuinely believing they’d be able to give me a tablet, send me home and all would be well.
When I got there, however, I was completely unable to communicate with my GP. I couldn’t understand what she was saying, it all sounded muddled and scary. She immediately diagnosed me with PP and contacted the perinatal mental health team.
We waited in a separate consultation room but the perinatal team didn’t call back so we were sent home. It was a Tuesday, and that night was the worst. That night was when the hallucinations, the voices, started. And it felt like it went on for hours.
By Wednesday morning my husband chased the GP who chased the mental health team and a psychiatrist came to the house with a nurse and another doctor. I was immediately sectioned.
Just before they came, my behaviour became really scary for my husband. I was trying to kill myself. I remember my husband trying to hold me back from going out of the door. And when I look back on this I just feel overwhelmed with guilt that while all of this was happening, I simply wasn’t looking after Isla.
So that night I was taken by ambulance to Bournemouth MBU where I spent three weeks as an inpatient. It was an equally harrowing and scary experience because my illness convinced me that I was in prison and that I was never getting out.
At the same time, as it was early in 2020, the pandemic was just happening. So that all added to my paranoia – particularly around the belief that I wasn’t really in a hospital and it was all a set up.
Looking back though, during my three weeks in the MBU, the staff really were amazing. Not only did it mean I could recover with Isla by my side, but there were lots of activities to take part in – cooking, gardening, etc. And I bonded quite well with the other patients. It was a tough time, however, because the MBU was so far from home. We lived in Oxford at the time and our nearest MBU would have been Winchester but they didn’t have any beds so I ended up in Bournemouth. My husband literally drove 4,000 miles in three weeks in order to visit us!
After three weeks they decided I could go home, but the day I got released was the day we went into full lockdown - which did my paranoia no good! I was still very peculiar for a few weeks - I couldn’t listen to the radio or focus on the telly for a while. And I had to stay on medication.
Everything was kind of OK for a few weeks, and then depression hit. It took a really long time to come out the other end of the depression but I got there eventually.
Now, we’ve moved back to Norfolk to be near my family. I’ve changed jobs too and we’ve just got a puppy – so family life is really good.
I also have really good peer support through APP.
Jocelyn has been amazing – if ever I have a dip, she’s right there. She helped me through the acute phase but it’s so nice to know that there’s somebody else who has been through what I have who is always available to chat. Being able to share what you’ve been through with someone who just gets it is so important. I would encourage anyone going through PP to reach out for peer support.