All posts by Lucy Nichol

Name revealed for new Mother and Baby Unit

The name of a new regional Mother and Baby mental health unit has been revealed.

Preparatory building work officially started in November on the £7.5m single storey building, which is the first of its kind across Cheshire, Merseyside, and North Wales.

The name ‘Seren Lodge’ has been chosen by Mums who have experienced maternal mental ill-health and features a nod to the new cross-border partnership with NHS Wales.

 

Nia Foulkes, APP storyteller, said: “It was important to the group to choose a name which signified hope and positivity, but also something which was welcoming to families no matter where they live. The name ‘Seren’ translates as ‘star’ in Welsh and ‘lodge’ felt homely and not clinical at all, which we thought was perfect.

 

Sarah Dearden, APP storyteller, added: “Having previously been admitted to a unit which was really far away from home, it is particularly exciting to see the new site as it today and know that our ideas and designs are being put into action. Units like this make a huge impact by keeping babies and their mothers together at a crucial time.”

 

The unit is a result of a partnership between Cheshire and Wirral Partnership NHS Foundation Trust (CWP), Betsi Cadwaladr University Health Board (BCHUB), Mersey Care NHS Foundation Trust, NHS England and NHS Wales and will see a disused training centre transformed into a new specialist, eight bedded unit for perinatal mothers, babies and their families. Once open the unit will work alongside the existing regional Community Perinatal Mental Health service who already care for thousands of women every year.

 

The occasion was marked with a special ground-breaking ceremony. Mums from across the region joined members of the clinical, construction and project teams to place the first official spade in the ground.

 

Preparatory work on the project is progressing well with both external and internal designs agreed, enabling building works underway and recruitment for the new centre set to begin imminently.

 

 

 

Suzanne Edwards, CWP director of operations and deputy CEO, said: “The new unit will support new and expectant mothers in a therapeutic environment which has been purposefully designed for people experiencing maternal mental health difficulties, such as post-natal depression, psychosis or a relapse of an existing mental health condition.

“It is estimated that one in four women experience mental health problems in pregnancy and during the 24 months after giving birth. Whilst only a small number of women will need admission to a specialist unit like Seren Lodge, I’m delighted that we’ll be able to offer this care closer to home, in addition to the thousands of families we see in the community every year.”

 

 

A group of people in hi vis jackets and hard hats, holding a spade. The photo includes APP storytellers Sarah (front row, second left) and Nia (front row 3rd right), along with APP’s national co-ordinator Hannah Bissett (front row 2nd right) join the team to celebrate the groundbreaking
APP storytellers Sarah (front row, second left) and Nia (front row 3rd right), along with APP’s national co-ordinator Hannah Bissett (front row 2nd right) join the team to celebrate the groundbreaking

 

 

Dr Alberto Salmoiraghi, medical director for Betsi Cadwaladr University Health Board’s Mental Health and Learning Disabilities Division, said: “We’re delighted that Seren Lodge will enable high quality specialist care to be provided to new and expectant mothers from across North Wales, Cheshire, Wirral, and Merseyside in a purpose built, recovery focused environment.

“Women from North Wales who have a lived experience of perinatal mental illness have played a central role in designing this new service and we’re very pleased to see that this is reflected in the name of the unit. We look forward to continuing to work with our partners in Cheshire and Wirral Partnership NHS Foundation Trust to deliver this much-needed unit.”

 

Once open, Seren Lodge will provide a home from home for women and their babies and include a nursery, sensory room, and multiple lounges to support quiet time and family visits. Having access to outside spaces is central to the development with two garden areas and a walking pram loop, with families benefitting from close access to the Countess Country Park.

 

Dr Jessica Heron, APP’s chief executive, added:
“We are so delighted to see the progress being made. The new unit will mean new mothers across North Wales, Cheshire and Merseyside with severe postnatal illness will be cared for appropriately and supported with parenting, without having to travel miles from their families to other areas of the UK or ending up in adult psychiatric wards separated from their newborn. APP has been working with the team to ensure the voices of lived experience are heard throughout the development process, inputting into the design and functionality of the MBU. APP volunteers are keen to ensure the unit meets the needs of families from across North Wales and Cheshire and Merseyside.”

 

Seren Lodge is set to open next winter.

Francoise’s story: It was 24 years before I spoke to someone else who experienced PP – it’s never too late to access peer support

It took me 24 years to access peer support through APP after my experience of postpartum psychosis (PP) in 1998, but it has completely changed my life. I went from being a survivor to actually living my life, and the self-stigma I used to feel has diminished dramatically. 

We had no idea what postpartum psychosis was.

I had never heard of PP when I was diagnosed with it after giving birth to my first child. While I’d had a fairly difficult birth, my pregnancy was fairly easy, and I had lots of support from my husband and family. In retrospect, however, my elation and need for perfection after the birth was a definite warning sign.

I wasn’t sleeping much but I figured that was normal for a new mum. One night, however, I had this terrible feeling – like I was being struck by lightning. It was like some kind of out of body experience and I became obsessed by the idea that my daughter was the second coming of Christ. I spoke to my husband and my mum and they both knew something was very wrong.

Sadly, however, even though my husband was calling our GP surgery, nobody spotted the problem. After four different GPs saw me and suggested I simply had baby blues, we eventually saw a psychiatrist who diagnosed me with PP. I was then rushed to hospital by ambulance and spent a night on a mixed ward.

My mother-in-law was also incredibly supportive, and she had trained as a nurse and had worked in midwifery so she knew about Mother and Baby Units (MBUs) and said that I needed to be treated at one. She and my husband pushed for a transfer and I was thankfully given a bed on the MBU in West London.

I was very delusional by this point and I ended up staying there, with my baby daughter Eva, for three months (although during the final month I was able to go home for short periods of time).

It was a really traumatic time. I wasn’t really aware of how unwell I was, and I found it incredibly upsetting that I was unable to breastfeed due to the medication I was on. It felt like a primal wound not to be able to breastfeed when I really wanted to.

My recovery felt quite sudden.

Although it took me a long while to get better, I remember waking up one day and feeling suddenly quite different. I was still incredibly anxious though and felt frightened at being left alone with my baby. And I was feeling very ashamed because I didn’t fully understand PP and knew nobody else who had experienced it.

Looking back, I think I was looking after my baby girl really quite well, but my lack of confidence was so low. It was a different time back then in the 90s, and I had no access to therapy or peer support, so I felt very isolated. However, I carried on, feeling more like a soldier than a mum.

I did access a local mother and baby group and made some good friends there, but I felt so ashamed talking about what I had gone through. The two friends I made through that group were so compassionate though, and my experience of PP didn’t put them off being my friend.

I gave birth to a second child, a boy, and it all went really well. I had been told that I was at risk of another episode of PP after giving birth again, but nobody said there was a risk of a psychotic episode months later. And this is precisely what happened when my little boy was three years old . I was eventually diagnosed with bipolar and experienced a few more episodes and hospital admissions over the years which deeply affected me. I felt as though I had this awful illness that I was stuck with forever, and I was overwhelmed with feelings of hopelessness.

Thankfully, I haven’t experienced another episode since 2015, but it’s not just the time that has elapsed that has helped me come to terms with my illness. It’s the peer support that I found through APP that has really helped me to feel more hopeful and less alone.

It was 2022 when I found out about APP’s peer support.

I reached out to APP and the first person I spoke to who had experienced PP was Ellie, and it was such a moving moment. After all these years, I’d finally found someone else who had been through what I had.

It was like after all these years, and this long ordeal that felt so hard and endless, I was able to see that there was light at the end of the tunnel. My husband and I also went along to an APP café group and we met all these beautiful people. They were much younger than me and my husband, but we both sat listening to them with tears in our eyes. We had never cried about the experience before. It was like relief. Finally, we could face what had happened and address it in a more open way.

I think in all the years previous to this I had been so determined to get through life that I forgot to address it, to face it head on. Now I am doing it all with my eyes open, with less shame and with so much more support. I always had my husband, my family and the brilliant staff at the MBU. But being with others who have been where you are is so powerful.

My daughter Eva is now 25 and she came along to one of the meetings too. They can help all family members – whether you have experienced PP yourself, your partner has or your daughter or parent has.

Now I feel like I can give something back, I can share my story so that other women going through this  won’t feel as alone as I did.

There’s a dangerous myth about perfection in motherhood – and peer support reminds us that nobody’s perfect and that if we are struck by postnatal mental illness that is no reflection on who we are or how good a mother we are.

The illness is the illness, it is what it is, but the stigma and isolation need to be worked on. I was unlucky to get the illness, but I was lucky to have my husband’s love and the support of others. I feel very lucky and privileged in that sense and I don’t want young women to go through the same isolation that I did for all those years.

But I also think it’s important to mention that it’s never too late to benefit from peer support. Whether you’ve just experienced PP in the last year, or whether it’s something that affected you many years or even decades ago, reaching out and hearing from others is a comforting and life changing experience.

Don’t hesitate to find your community. It really has helped to change my life.

Natalie’s story: If I had known what postpartum psychosis was, I might have asked for help.

I knew there was a possibility that I might get postnatal depression after giving birth and that really scared me. But nobody ever told me about the possibility of developing postpartum psychosis (PP).

In 2013 I gave birth to my beautiful daughter Maya. Everything felt amazing - almost magical. It felt like a miracle giving birth to this precious baby and I just couldn’t believe I was now a mum.

But things began to unravel really quickly, and I became very unwell.

Looking back, the first sign of PP for me was extreme happiness. Yes, you may think that is completely normal, but I was actually hysterically laughing at times while watching my baby. My mood felt high, as though I was drunk with excitement and my whole body felt like it had been pumped with adrenaline.

My mind and thoughts began to race constantly. I was speaking to anyone who would listen but I wasn’t making sense. It was like my mind was too tired to think but the words continued to jumble out of my mouth.

I began to feel stressed about the aftercare I received in hospital after my baby was born. The experience would play over and over in my mind so I told a midwife who suggested I write everything down.

Each day passed and new topics would pop into my head. I felt like my brain was going to explode and I began writing down all of my thoughts, feelings and ideas into a long essay. At one point I believed I had found the answer to why so many mums were getting postnatal depression, feeling suicidal and having their babies taken away.

However, deep down I knew that something wasn’t quite right. So when a midwife came to visit me at home, I mentioned that I felt like I was hallucinating. I also told her that I hadn’t slept in days and had too much energy. To me she seemed dismissive – or maybe she hadn’t heard me. I’m not sure but nothing much was said about it.

Because the midwife had a bad cough when she visited, I became anxious that she had passed an infection on to my baby. Worse still, I started to believe that this midwife would go back to the GP practice and infect all the pregnant women and newborn babies there. I believed it was my mission to stop this from happening by putting in a complaint and trying to close down the labour ward to stop the infection from spreading.

My mind had become delusional.

Around this time, a midwife mentioned to me that they would be improving their labour support and that any suggestions from new mums would be great to feed into their next meeting.

My brain misinterpreted this information completely. I believed that The Labour Government wanted new mums to come to a special meeting to discuss any changes we would like to see for women going through labour. I was excited about this high-profile opportunity which was very unlike me as I am usually quiet and certainly not someone who would enjoy public speaking! However, I decided I would present my findings on the essay I completed, believing them to be of great importance.

I then started to become extremely paranoid about the midwives at the hospital and believed that they were conspiring to stop me from speaking to the government. I was scared that they would falsely claim that I was mentally ill and shut me in a psychiatric hospital and take away my baby.

I was so anxious that this was going to happen that I packed my suitcase on several occasions, wanting to take myself and Maya to a secret location where we would not be found.

Then, while visiting my Nepalese mother-in-law, she noticed I was acting strangely and called a local witch doctor to perform a spiritual ritual to remove evil spirits from my body. It prompted me to suddenly start believing in the Christian Faith and I visited the church a few times - maybe as a way of getting help. But this was short lived and I did not return.

I also became concerned that the midwives were watching or filming me through the TV. So I picked the TV up and turned it around. I began to feel so scared to be left alone with my baby and begged my husband to take more paternity leave as his two weeks off were coming to an end.

I remember hallucinating when I was watching my daughter and I thought I could see her eyes change. While sleeping I could also see something black curled up at the side of my bed which I believed to be the shadow of another baby.

Road signs started to have deep personal meanings, and numbers started to pop into my head. I felt as though I was being given the winning lottery numbers so went out and bought a ticket. Of course I didn’t win!

Because of my paranoia about the midwives, I called up my work and asked a colleague for a character reference, thinking this would save me from being admitted to a psychiatric hospital. My colleague must have thought I was acting very strangely so they called the mental health team.

The perinatal mental health team got involved at that point and a doctor came to visit, diagnosing me as having experienced a hypomanic episode. I gave part truths of my symptoms as I thought if I was completely honest about what was happening they’d take me to a psychiatric hospital.

In the end, I didn’t go into hospital or receive any treatment. My illness lasted around three weeks but I was lucky – it could have been so much worse.

Four years later, I realised that I was actually suffering from postpartum psychosis – yet I refused to share that realisation with the midwife during my second pregnancy out of stigma and fear. However, I reluctantly admitted my hidden illness during my third pregnancy to protect my children should I experience PP again.

There continues to be huge stigma surrounding mental illness and it’s so difficult for mothers and family members to come forward and ask for help. After my experience of PP I have never felt the same and went on to battle postnatal depression and anxiety after having my second and third child. This battle continues to this day, but I have recently found comfort in the church to cope and heal.

It pains me to see so many stories of mothers dying by suicide - so much more awareness is needed to increase knowledge of this often hidden and misunderstood illness and the devastating outcomes that can happen when people don’t get help.

I hope that sharing my experience will play a part in this awareness. I refused help because I was scared. But I’ve learnt that it’s important to be honest with the health team if you are experiencing any symptoms which are out of character. They are there to help new mums – not the opposite. I know it is a very scary experience to go through but getting help is vital for yourself and your baby.

Stock photo of baby’s hand by Aditya Romansa on Unsplash

APP calls for more support for maternal mental health this World Suicide Prevention Day

This World Suicide Prevention Day (10 September), APP is calling for more awareness and support for perinatal mental health as maternal suicides continue to devastate families around the world.

Suicide accounts for around 20% (1 in 5) deaths in the postnatal period worldwide. Before APP existed as a charity, postpartum psychosis (PP) was responsible for almost half of all maternal suicides in the UK. While there has been a sharp decline in PP related deaths over the last decade since the charity’s inception, numbers have been on the rise since the pandemic.

Dr Jess Heron, CEO, Action on Postpartum Psychosis, said: “Over the last decade, national awareness of PP has improved, health professional training increased, we have more Mother and Baby Unit (MBU) beds and better support services for women struggling with PP.

“But we are concerned that, following a decade long decline in PP related deaths, we have recently seen an increase in bereaved families coming to APP. This rise in PP related deaths has multiple and complex causes that need to be explored and responded to before more women’s lives are tragically and needlessly lost. In the meantime, we all need to know how to look out for PP in our loved ones as they start their families.”

Black and white photo of an African American woman holding her baby looking just off camera

PP is a serious but eminently treatable perinatal mental illness that affects around 1400 women every year in the UK. It occurs in the days, weeks or months after birth, and should always be treated as a medical emergency, with swift admission to a specialist MBU wherever possible.

Symptoms might include hallucinations, delusions, severe confusion, mania and agitation. Early warning signs might include feeling overly excited or elated, being unable or not wanting to sleep, becoming paranoid or anxious, extremely active or feeling like ‘super mum’ or as though everyday events on the TV or radio have special personal meaning.

Earlier this year in Northern Ireland – where there are currently no MBU beds – a coroner ruled that the tragic death by suicide of Orlaith Quinn, who was suffering from PP, was both foreseeable and preventable. Spotting the signs early and arranging for an emergency referral to a specialist MBU is paramount in preventing PP related deaths, and yet there is no mandatory training in PP for health professionals, antenatal education rarely includes mention of awareness of PP, and there is a shortage of beds across the UK – particularly in NI, Northern Scotland and North Wales.

Dr Heron added: “All PP-related deaths are preventable. But we need the right treatment pathways in place – and healthcare professionals, be they GPs, crisis teams or first responders - need a basic awareness of the signs and symptoms so women and their families can be supported as a matter of urgency. That’s why we are encouraging participation in our short training programmes. Having just a basic knowledge and some understanding of what to look out for could save a life. And that is no exaggeration.”

 

Free webinar for health professionals

In light of this, APP is hosting a Memorial Lecture in October, in memory of Alex Baish, a teacher and new mum who died while experiencing the symptoms of PP last year. Taking place on Wednesday 18 October between 12pm and 1.30pm, the free webinar is aimed at GPs, midwives, antenatal educators and frontline responders. The event titled “Essential Knowledge for Preventing Maternal Suicide” will describe the symptoms, red flags and actions needed to support and protect women who develop the condition and includes a Q&A with speakers and APP’s clinical, academic and lived experience experts.

For more information or to book your free place click here or email training@app-network.org

Photos by Hollie Santos on Unsplash and Andrae B. Ricketts Instagram:https://www.instagram.com/alttr_photography/

 

Samantha’s story: I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder after PP - but it’s not the life sentence I thought it was going to be

I’d never experienced any real mental health problems prior to being diagnosed with postpartum psychosis. However, six years later, following another psychotic episode, I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder and told I’d need medication for life. But after learning how to better manage my health and wellbeing, I’ve been symptom-free for over seven years. Now, I want to inspire others by showing that, despite your diagnosis, you can go on to live a healthy and happy life.

In 2005 I gave birth for the first time. I had quite a large baby - he was nearly 10 pounds and, following a forceps delivery, I lost a lot of blood. It was a terrifying time, I had to have a blood transfusion, I hadn’t slept for three days straight before the birth and I really believed I was going to die.

Looking back, it definitely felt as though this trauma marked the beginning of my mental health problems.

After the blood transfusion I could feel that something wasn’t right. I even joked that they’d ‘given me the blood of a mad man’. They wanted me to see a psychiatrist at this point but I denied that there was anything wrong with me and they let me go home with my baby.

After getting home my family became really concerned. I trashed the house and experienced visions, so they got the mental health team involved and I ended up being sectioned.

My memories of that time are still quite hazy and I feel I have blocked a lot of it out as a protection mechanism, but some of the visions I experienced are still very vivid. I am certain I was never suicidal and I didn’t have any worrying thoughts about my baby, but things definitely weren’t right with me.

Unfortunately, there wasn’t a Mother and Baby Unit (MBU) nearby and my then husband had to make a decision for me to go into a general psychiatric ward, as I wasn’t able to articulate myself how I wanted to be treated.

My experience on the mixed ward was not a good one, and there were some awful incidents that traumatised me. I wasn’t sleeping and was continually walking around the wards apparently putting myself at risk amongst some of the unwell male patients. I remember being restrained and put in seclusion on more than one occasion. I also felt uncomfortable when there were usually just male members of staff on duty especially at night. I had already had a traumatic time giving birth and all of this just added to the distress. This would not have happened had I been sent to where I should have been – an MBU. I ended up staying on the general ward for 28 long days.

I was told that there was a 50% chance of me getting PP again if I had another baby. However, 19 months later, having given birth to my daughter, I felt more prepared.

I had a planned c-section, knew what to look out for and felt more supported. I had a mental health team keep an eye on me throughout the process but refused any type of medication. Thankfully, I didn’t experience PP following my daughter’s birth.

However, after being well for six years, I experienced a psychotic episode, which I believe was linked to the trauma and I ended up back in the psychiatric unit for 28 days again. This was in 2011 and between then and 2016 I ended up being sectioned four more times for subsequent episodes.

I was initially diagnosed with bipolar disorder and then told it was actually schizoaffective disorder which was a real shock as there is so much stigma attached to the label. My family were told that my condition was so severe I would need medication for life, which really affected me as I had always preferred a holistic approach, so I kept stopping the medication they supplied me with. Because of this they were unable to trust me and had to give me monthly injections which I also found traumatic.

My last episode was in 2016 due to a lot of stress in my life within a short period and I was hospitalised for three months. During that time my mind and body totally shut down and I couldn’t communicate with anyone. Luckily, this time, I was in a women only ward.

After this last event I was referred to an extremely good NHS psychiatrist who did not believe that everyone with this condition needed to be on medication for life. He worked with me over a long period of time and carefully weaned me off my medication so that by 2019 I was medication free. It was at this time I decided to work on healing myself and dealing with past traumas through reiki and other holistic therapies.

My experiences inspired me to want to give something back to others, and I now work full time supporting adults with learning difficulties.

Another big achievement was buying my own house in 2020 – something I never believed would be possible.

There’s a lot more to my story but for the last seven years things have been great. I have had my ups and downs like everyone else - especially during Covid and working in a care home. I have dealt with a lot during this time but have managed to stay well. I really want to express that a psychiatric diagnosis doesn’t mean you are written off and it doesn’t have to be a life sentence. I am now leading a normal and happy life and in some ways, I wouldn’t change a thing as it’s made me the strong woman I am today.

Anneka’s story: "The mother and baby unit was incredible, I owe my life to them".

In March 2021 I gave birth to a perfect little boy called Ralph and my family was complete.

I had a very easy pregnancy and loved every minute of it, I couldn’t wait to be a Mum.  After a short stay in hospital because Ralph had an infection, it was time to come home. Looking back I wasn’t right from the moment I got home but we just thought it was an extended set of the ‘baby blues’ - as did the midwife who came to see me.

Shortly after being home I was terrified someone was going to take my baby from me, that the house had to be tidy and if it wasn’t something really bad was going to happen.
I couldn’t remember anything and had to carry a notepad with me at all times to write down everything I had to do or had already done, from Ralph’s feeds to nappy changes.

The final straw for my husband and family to intervene was when I started to open presents and cards and couldn’t remember who anybody was.

My husband, Laurence, decided I needed medical attention ASAP but there was no chance I was going back into hospital and leaving Ralph. He told me I had a water infection and just needed to go in for some antibiotics so I agreed. Getting me into the hospital was very difficult as, by this time, I couldn’t remember anything about Covid and didn’t understand why I needed to wear a mask. I was taken straight to A&E where I was asked a series of questions which I couldn’t answer, including which day it was and who the prime minister was. By this point I had started to hallucinate and thought that every doctor was against me. The police were nearby with another patient and seeing them made me think that they were going to section me.

I ended up staying in hospital for a few days having all sorts of tests to rule out anything medically wrong with me before the psychiatric team would get involved. By this point my husband had found out about postpartum psychosis and that the best place for me would be a mother and baby unit.

By now I was very unwell and believed that I, and the midwife looking after me, had been arrested for committing a terrorist attack on the hospital. Every nurse or doctor that came to see me I thought was a member of my family or friends. Laurence was bringing in Ralph everyday so we could continue to bond, but by this point I thought Ralph had died so this became quite stressful. I believed my room was under surveillance and armed police were outside my room. When my Mum came to see me I thought our meeting was being broadcast on national TV. It all seemed so real.

The day before my 30th birthday I was transferred by ambulance to a mother and baby unit.

The first few days in the mother and baby unit I didn’t speak, I spent my 30th birthday mainly in my room believing I was still under arrest and my room was a prison cell. By this point the radio had started speaking to me and I couldn’t watch the TV because I believed that it was still covering the terrorist attack I’d committed. The staff were incredibly patient and understanding.

I was extremely lucky to get a place at a mother and baby unit close to home and my husband visited us every day. I remember so clearly asking him when we first arrived “How long will I be here?” to which he replied “it normally takes 6-8 weeks for people to recover.”
3 months, a relapse and being put under section later we finally returned home.

The mother and baby unit was incredible, I owe my life to them.

Without them who knows what would have happened. Every member of staff helped myself and Ralph bond through my recovery and supported my whole family. I also made some friends for life in the other mums that I speak to most days now. We were thrown together and have all been through such an experience together, I will be forever grateful for them.

I remain on medication for my diagnoses and am currently being supported by the wonderful Perinatal Mental Health team and the Early Intervention for Psychosis team who I see every other week.

Postpartum psychosis is scary and can affect anyone, including me who had no mental health problems in the past. My advice for anyone experiencing it now is, you will get better, take the support and treatment given to you. It’s helped me to put life into perspective and know what’s important. I’m not angry it happened to me, it’s part of who I am and now I want to give back to all the people who helped me recover.

 

 

 

Jade’s story: "Awareness is so important".

I finished work for my maternity leave in February 2020, just before the lockdown. My pregnancy had been smooth but the last few weeks were awful. He was ten days late and I was just so ready for him to come out. I wasn’t sleeping, I had a 72 hour labour, and I had to switch from having a water birth to going into a labour unit because I got to around 4 or 5cm and nothing was happening. Eventually, I went into hospital and had an epidural and forceps delivery.

When my baby was born he was immediately taken away. During the delivery his heart rate had dropped so he had to be put on an incubator in the neonatal unit two floors up.

During this time I started to feel like there was something wrong with me. I wasn’t sleeping well and something just didn’t feel right so I told the nurses. They reassured me that it was probably all normal, I’d been through a traumatic birth, etc. But the sleep wouldn’t come, and I started thinking strange things and not wanting to be around my family (other than my husband) which wasn’t like me at all. I was just pacing around the hospital day and night feeling anxious.

I became really distressed and starting thinking that if I fell asleep I would die. That’s when things really hit me.

I began seeing and hearing things, with imagery of heaven and hell and other religious visions playing a big part in it. I also thought that my own body was trying to kill itself which was terrifying. Plus, I kept thinking that I could hear my baby crying which was really upsetting. But I couldn’t have heard him because he was so far away.

My husband was really worried about me and kept speaking to the nurses and doctors, but the problem was that I sometimes appeared well and lucid when they checked on me. I finally agreed for my mum to come in and see me and that’s when I told her about my fear of dying if I fell asleep.

The hospital then moved me into my own private room because I was in so much distress, which I think they thought might help the other mums around me as well. They allowed my mum to stay over night with me too and, meanwhile, my husband was still urging them to get me some more help, because he knew there was something seriously wrong.

The hospital, however, suggested that I had the baby blues and at one point even suggested I was ready to go home! So my husband did his own research and found out about postpartum psychosis. He recognised the symptoms in me straight away.

He’d read about Mother and Baby Units (MBUs) and reached out to the one in Chorley not too far away. I was so lucky that they sent somebody to see me because, just prior to this, the hospital were considering sending me to a general psychiatric ward, which would have meant being separated from my baby.

I was transferred to Chorley MBU eight days after giving birth and I am so grateful that I got a bed there.

In those first few days I was really anxious. I didn’t know what was happening to me and I’d been googling things like schizophrenia, personality disorders and bipolar. I also remember googling ‘will I die if I have a mental breakdown.’ It wasn’t until I was settled in the MBU that I first read about postpartum psychosis in one of the leaflets they gave me, which also talked about how treatable it was. It was such a relief to know what it was that was happening to me, and to know that I could recover from it. Plus, I knew at that point that I was absolutely in the best place.

I was given anti-psychotic medication and the hallucinations stopped and I started sleeping again. But, after a while, I started to feel really unhappy and detached from my baby. I felt kind of dissociated from him and from being a mother. I wasn’t actively suicidal, but I felt like I didn’t want to live. That’s when the psychiatrist started discussing postnatal depression with me, and I was prescribed with additional medication.

Prior to this I hadn’t experienced any mental health problems at all. In fact, neither had my husband, so we were both really unprepared for it.

I kept telling the MBU nurses that I might be the only one who doesn’t recover from it all, because I really couldn’t see a light at the end of the tunnel, but they kept reassuring me. They told me to distract myself, to focus on my baby, and told me that it does take time to heal.

I also met Jocelyn, APP’s peer support worker, on the ward, as well as other mums who had experienced PP and recovered and that really helped me. To know that there are other mums out there who have gone through these same experiences really makes a difference.

Finally, by the back end of April, I started showing signs of getting better and they started talking to me about going home - just for a couple of hours at first. By this point I was very detached from the outside world so it was really daunting but I did go home for a little bit which felt strange.

I was finally discharged fully on the 21st May 2020. I wasn’t fully recovered, but I’d say there was around an 80% improvement by that point. I was still on meds, still getting support visits to the house however, even though the country was in lockdown at the time, I tried to get back to some sort of normality.

It took a while to get back to feeling like me again and it really affected my marriage. My husband had struggled with the trauma of it all as well. However, eventually, by November 2021 I came off all the medication and started to feel like myself again, which strengthened our bond as a family.

Looking back, I think for us, not having any idea what was happening was the most frightening thing. We didn’t know about PP, mental health was barely covered in the antenatal classes, other than a brief mention of depression, and the midwives didn’t seem to know too much about what was happening to me either. It wasn’t until I got to the MBU and met with specialist workers and peer supporters that things started to look up. I feel so grateful to have got a place at Chorley – I know not everyone is so lucky.

It’s now 2022 and I’m in a really good place. I’ve developed such a great bond with my boy, and he’s such a happy little boy too. So I get that excitement, that joy, that feeling of love now, as a mother, which is so incredible. I’m also back at work, taking care of myself, going to the gym and, importantly, my marriage is stronger than ever.

Now I can reflect on my experience I really want to help others by sharing my story. Awareness is so important, I think it would have helped us enormously if we had been armed with more knowledge from the start. Just being able to spot the signs, to know what help is out there and to know that you can recover would have relieved so much of the distress that I felt.

An Evening With The Good Enough Mums Club

The Good Enough Mums Club, a concert tour of songs from the musical of the same name, is going to be taking to the stage during April and May to delight audiences once again. The original musical, which includes a story of postpartum psychosis, has been produced, written, directed and performed by mums with the aim of ‘celebrating all the things, good and bad, that unite us as mums’.

In the safety of a local community hall, five mothers regularly meet with their young children, to share, compare, commiserate and comfort one another through the tough first years of motherhood.

The Good Enough Mums Club features songs such as “Only My Nose Is The Same”, “The Price To Be Paid” and “WTF’s Up With Kid’s TV?”. Toddle through the highs, lows and sleep deprivation of motherhood. From peeing on sticks to drooping tits, they share the love and dispel the myths with enough wipes on hand to mop the tears and clean away the snotty laughter.

When the Council threatens to close their local playgroup, five women thrown together by motherhood, overcome their isolation, loneliness, judgment and perfectionism to discover that they’re stronger as a group than as individuals, and that sometimes, being good enough is best.

Writer Emily Beecher said, “The Good Enough Mums Club grewout of my own darkest days of motherhood fighting postnatal depression and postnatal psychosis. When I shared my story, other women shared their own experiences with me, and it was so brilliant to realise all these things I thought I had been alone in were actually things that connected us.”

An Evening With The Good Enough Mums Club is a concert tour ahead of the full musical tour in 2023. You can catch it live at:

The Lowry, Salford - 22nd April (BOOK HERE)

Pleasance Theatre, London - 30th April (BOOK HERE)

MAST Mayflower Studios, Southampton - 6th May (BOOK HERE)

The Good Enough Mums Club podcast is entering its second season during the tour. You can listen to season one here or on all major podcast platforms.

Nia’s story: "I had to travel many miles from home to access an MBU".

Living with bipolar meant that we had lots to consider when we were planning a family. We had to get the perinatal mental healthcare team involved from the very start to make sure we had a plan if anything were to go wrong. I knew that, because of my bipolar diagnosis, there was a chance that giving birth could trigger my symptoms, so there was talk of me being admitted to a Mother and Baby Unit (MBU) should I need that extra support.

I didn’t really know anything about MBUs at that point, and I was feeling really well so I felt confident that all would be OK. However, towards the end of my pregnancy more problems arose – I had preeclampsia, high blood pressure and gestational diabetes. It meant that I was under additional pressure, but my mental health still seemed to be on an even keel.

However, I was then told I had to have an elective caesarean and, because I’m on medication for my bipolar, I had to come off it 24 hours before the surgery. This was to allow the medicine to be removed from my body before giving birth.

I had the caesarean as planned on the 17th May 2019. Unfortunately, they had problems getting the epidural into my back so I had to be sedated. When I came round, they initially gave my baby to me but then immediately took him away again because he had a temperature and wasn’t feeding. He was taken into special care.

In the personalised care plan that the perinatal mental health team had put together at the start of the pregnancy, it stated that I needed to have my own, quiet room as lack of sleep can be a big trigger for bipolar symptoms. Unfortunately, somebody else needed the room so I was moved to a ward with crying babies. At this point, my baby boy was still in another part of the hospital.

Eventually, we were given a special care room together because, in addition to my bipolar risks, my little boy had to be tube fed. But by this point I was already becoming unwell. My mind was racing and I wasn’t sleeping.

The next thing I remember is waking up in the MBU in Manchester – many miles from our family home in North Wales.

Prior to being moved to the MBU, I was in a state of psychosis and my memories of this time are a complete blur. I think my mind has just shut out memories of the trauma, but it was a different matter for my husband, who was in the throes of it all, desperately trying to get me the right help. It was really difficult for him because the midwife was off, as was the care coordinator and the psychiatrist! I was initially transferred to a PICU (Psychiatric Intensive Care Unit) in North Wales but then I was moved to the MBU in Manchester as there was nothing closer to home.

 

I was grateful to have access to an MBU, as it meant that I was able to stay with my baby. But the fact that we had to travel two hours from home made life really difficult. Each day, my husband was travelling for four hours between the hospital and our home, and doing a full time job in between all the travel. The stress he was under was immense.

Regardless, Tommy continued to visit every day and that’s something I am so grateful for because, when you’re in hospital so far from home, it can feel really isolating and lonely. Two hours is a long time when you’re in mental health crisis. I did make some friends in the MBU, but when you’re so far from home it makes everything feel ten times harder.

I had to have ECT (Electro Convulsive Therapy) whilst I was at the MBU, but this was a treatment that had worked for me in the past and, combined with the medication, I started to slowly recover.

Eventually, I was allowed overnight stays at home, then visits for a few days at a time and then, by around the end of July, I was finally discharged. Getting home was such a good feeling, and I really started to feel well again.

However, unless something changes, I don’t think we’d consider another baby as the experience was far too stressful and traumatic for the family.

There’s a national shortage of MBUs overall but, where I live in North Wales, we literally don’t have one at all. I remember the doctor telling me that, if we decided to have another baby, I would probably need to give birth in England so that I had quick access to specialist care if I became mentally unwell again. Because I’m Welsh, I really wouldn’t want to feel as thought I was forced to have my baby in England.

I’m also not confident that we’d be able to get in to the Manchester MBU again. There is such a shortage of MBU beds, so, if we couldn’t get in, it could mean travelling even further away – and the strain on Tommy, and myself and the baby, would be unbearable.

I know how lucky we are to have our baby boy but we’d love for him to be able to have a baby brother or sister. For women like me living in North Wales who are at risk of serious postnatal mental illness, there needs to be specialist care closer to home. I know I definitely communicate better in Welsh, especially when I am unwell, so having support in the Welsh language is also really important.

This is why I’m campaigning for an MBU for North Wales – so other new mums and their families can access support in their first language and to stop so many having to travel so far from home to get the essential care they need.

 

Zebunisa’s story: "As a psychology graduate I had lots of technical knowledge about mental health – but I still couldn’t see how bad my illness really was".

Having a baby is a significant, wonderful and stressful time of life. But when giving birth coincides with family weddings and various other things that life throws at you, that stress can be amplified tenfold. In the days after I gave birth, I remember feeling vulnerable, exhausted and highly emotional.

So far so normal.

However, by day five things for me and my family were definitely not normal.

I became quite elated but I was also really confused and, I’m told, acting in quite a bizarre way. Running naked around the room was certainly not normal for me, and neither was telling anyone and everyone my personal problems. I was so sleep deprived and was struggling with breastfeeding big time. I sought out breastfeeding support on several occasions and after seeing the breastfeeding support team and speaking with them as if they were my counsellors, they suggested I see the crisis team. They could tell something simply wasn’t right.

However, for some time it was difficult for the people around me to see just how unwell I was. Because I have a masters in forensic psychology, I was regularly articulating all this knowledge and all these psychological terms and, seemingly, demonstrating insight into what was happening to me.

But in reality, I wasn’t just a bit switched on and alert, I was far too switched on. In fact, you could say I was behaving like a mad scientist!

By this point I had racing thoughts and I was hearing and seeing things that weren’t there. I was also talking at a hundred miles an hour, sending hundreds of messages to people and constantly writing and researching. These behaviours were symptoms that I recognised from my study, but, unfortunately, even though I recognised what was happening it didn’t instil in me just how unwell I was.

Conversely, I was elated. I felt as though I was solving some kind of puzzle and having my eyes opened to the experiences that others I had worked with had gone through.

From that point on things became blurry. My husband called the crisis team and I know that they assessed me over a period of five days and told me that I needed to go to a Mother and Baby Unit (MBU), but I refused to go.

Eid was fast approaching and I was determined to stay at home and host the family for the big day as we had planned. I kept telling everyone that I knew my rights, that I had insight and I was informed enough to make decisions but, even though I had all the technical knowledge, my illness stopped me from seeing just how poorly I had become.

Eventually, they managed to get me admitted to an MBU in Nottingham, so it wasn’t too far from home. When I arrived there I was both confused and elated – I’d worked in these kinds of environments and I became excitable. At one point I tried to deliver a PowerPoint presentation to the doctors (this did not happen but I tried!). I was constantly ‘researching’ but I wasn’t using books or Google – I was using my mind and my racing thoughts and writing everything down, every single day. Imagine writing all day long, that was me!

My moods were all over the place and it was as though everything about my personality was 10x what it normally was. I’m a clean person, but I became obsessed by cleanliness, at one point spending three hours straight in the shower. I also became really angry with my husband when he tried to decorate the room for Eid and I ripped everything back down again. I was constantly having tantrums but my husband kept visiting, he kept supporting me and just being there for me.

I didn’t trust anybody, so when they tried to give me medicine it was a real challenge. I would ask for all the relevant paperwork, requesting printouts and saying I needed to be kept fully informed.

After a while, I remember finding a leaflet in the MBU about postpartum psychosis and when I read up on it I began to recognise that it was what was happening to me. I had been told by health professionals that this was probably my diagnosis but until that point I refused to believe them.

Eventually I started trusting their care and taking the meds, which brought me back to my usual self.

Although I don’t remember all of this, the staff and family have since filled me in on some of the things that happened.

After about three months in the MBU, I left the MBU and received care at home from the perinatal mental health team and my family supporting me along the way. I started to think I was much better. However, after the psychotic symptoms died down, I was hit with depression and anxiety. All of these different mental health problems were affecting me. Before giving birth, I hadn’t experienced any mental health problems at all...

Now I want to help others. I personally found a lot of support and strength through APP’s network and I want to give something back and to let others know that you can recover from PP. You may not feel like you will whilst you are experiencing it but YOU WILL and YOU DO get better.