At some point, I lost touch with reality and didn’t know what was real and what wasn’t. I was hallucinating and delusional, and I genuinely started to believe during labour that I could speak to the dead and that I too would die after the birth of my son.
I was diagnosed with postpartum psychosis. The tricky thing for me however, was that my psychosis began during labour, which is really unusual. I started acting really out of character – I got aggressive towards the nurses, shouting at the top of my voice. I developed really strong hallucinations and delusions. I genuinely thought my dead family members were in the room with me and that after I’d delivered my son, I’d die too.
Because I was so psychotic, my body just couldn’t proceed with what it was naturally trying to do – after two failed epidurals it was like my thoughts completely hijacked the process, stopping my progress in labour. Unfortunately, this stress caused our son’s heart rate to drop, which led to me being rushed to theatre for an emergency C-section.
Thankfully, Albie, our son, safely arrived. But whilst I was in recovery my psychosis continued to grow. I started to believe that if I slept, I’d die.
My delusion was so strong that I discharged myself from the hospital on the day I had my C-section because I strongly believed I wanted to go home to die. I felt no pain – I was able to stand, I even thought I could run.
After I left hospital, my parents and husband knew straight away that something wasn’t quite right. I kept saying to them, ‘if I sleep tonight, I’m going to die. You want me to sleep, so you must want me to die.’
Luckily my sister-in-law is a mental health nurse who deals with a lot of maternal mental health, so she was called to come and see me. She could tell straight away that I had postpartum psychosis – she said I had the ‘psychotic stare’, where my pupils were so large my eyes looked black. She told my husband to take me to a mental health centre for assessment.
When I arrived at the centre, I believed I was there to be locked up, and I thought my son was going to be taken away from me. I was so desperate to avoid this, I wrestled my husband to leave – and because I’d had a C-section the day before, they chose to let me leave to avoid causing any further damage to my incision. On the journey home I also attempted to take my own life by jumping out of the moving car on a dual carriageway. Luckily my husband contained me, and pulled over safely or else it could have been a very different situation.
Instead, psychiatrists and doctors were sent to my home to assess me. That’s when it became clear that I had postpartum psychosis. By that time I’d still not slept for five days, I’d lost all ability to speak and became very baby-like. I was quiet and could only write things down – it was probably one of the worst days in my life. I wanted to die. It was rock bottom for me.
It was at that point that my husband had to sign the paperwork that would allow me to be sectioned under the Mental Health Act. It was a really hard time for him too.
Postpartum psychosis doesn’t just affect you – it affects the people around you. For my parents to have to see me in a psychotic state – that’s not something any parent should see. And my husband… he was so great, but he went through so much, too. During what should have been a really special time for a new family, he actually had to sign me and our newborn over to social services.
Road to recovery
I was admitted to a mother and baby unit in a psychiatric ward, where I received treatment.
When I arrived, I was sedated and slept for 24 hours – the first time I’d slept in seven days. I began anti-psychotic medication, and slowly started coming out of the psychosis.
The nurses were excellent. And what’s so important about mother and baby units is that they take care of you, so you can look after your baby. They also believe in keeping mothers with their baby through recovery to help with the maternal bond. I was able to get the sleep and medication I needed, so I could care for Albie. During the nights, they looked after him so I could sleep – which is such a crucial part to recovery.
Within a few weeks I was able to care for Albie with less supervision; I was so grateful that my maternal instinct was still there. Despite the psychosis I still wanted to be that new mum, bonding with my baby.
I had my section lifted within three weeks.
Transitioning back to work
I’d never suffered with my mental health before, so it’s been quite an eye-opening experience and I’m still recovering. Over the past 18 months I’ve been receiving support, including therapy and medication. I’ve also found it really helpful to connect with people who have been through this before. And I’m getting lots of support from my friends, family and professional support.
My employer has been amazing too; they’ve been so good to me as I transition back to work. My manager and I have weekly check-ins and there’s been no pressure or judgment – she’s been hugely supportive and flexible to get me back into a good place during my recovery and returning to work. If I didn’t have this support, I don’t think I’d have been able to get back here.
Sharing my story and raising awareness has become so important to me. I don’t want other people who are going through this to feel alone, which is why I want to get the word out on postpartum psychosis.
Empowering change
It’s really important to me to use my own experience to help others. That’s why, after my experience of discharging myself on the day of my C-section, I’ve successfully lobbied for the introduction of mandatory mental health assessments of new mums before discharge from hospital following childbirth. This means mums are now screened for maternal mental health issues, including postpartum psychosis, before they can leave the hospital.
