Theories of grieving
There is so much information in circulation about the grieving process. You are likely to hear from people that there are five stages of grief - denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance - this may or may not apply to you or be helpful: each person grieves in their own timeline and their own way.
In this section, with the help of the Loss Foundation, we share some information from psychological models that we have found useful in thinking about the process of grieving.
The Dual Process Model
In this model, there are times that you will be ‘loss-oriented’. Whether you want to or not, you will be facing and living with your feelings. You might experience flashbacks and intrusions, or you might want to spend time thinking about important memories.
There will also be times that you need and want to distract yourself, to do things that take your mind off your grief, to take on new activities, roles or identities, do ‘restorative’ things, and fight for light and pleasure in your life.
Psychologists suggest that both zones are important. If you have spent all your time in the distraction or ‘restoration-oriented’ zone, it might be important to make time for memories and spending time with your grief. If you have spent all your time in the ‘loss-oriented’ zone, it might be helpful to search for distractions or new activities. Psychologists say that people move back and forward all the time between these zones, but gradually with time, they tend to spend more time in the restoration zone.
Thinking about which zone you are in might also help people help you. When in the loss-oriented zone, it might feel helpful to talk to friends and family about how you feel. People asking how you’re coping feels more comfortable when you are in this zone. You might find peer support useful. You can talk to APP’s bereavement volunteers who have lost a loved one to PP or look at some of the organisations listed here. Asking people to check in with you regularly and building up your support network might be important.
When you are in the restoration-oriented zone, engaging in work and social activities might feel most helpful. You might want to find new activities that absorb all of your brain or just keep things normal and familiar. Asking people to do things with you, rather than talk about things, and building activity-based or work-based social networks might be valuable.
Tonkin’s model of grief
It might not be about getting over grief but slowly building a life around it
Your own expectation, and the expectations of others, can be that grief will wane over time. This model is a way of showing that the concept of “moving on” or “getting over it” might not be helpful for people who are grieving. Grief takes time. There are no ‘shoulds’ or timelines. Everything is day by day. There is often a lot of support at the beginning and some of that will fade away over time. Don’t let that pressure you into a feeling that you should be over it. But it might feel useful to think about building your life around the grief.
Building life around grief could include things like taking on new roles or trying new experiences, making new friends, focussing on family, finding roles helping others, or even using your experience to bring about positive changes for the future. If you need help thinking about new roles or activities you might try, our peers can help by listening to you and talking things through. If you would like to use your experience to improve care for families affected by PP, talk to APP about ways you can help us.
The best thing I was told on Day One was that the journey towards everything being OK again wouldn’t be linear. The line would slowly be heading up, but it would be more like a line on the stock exchange; sometimes you’d have big leaps up, if you’ve had a great day as a family for example, or you get past an anniversary without feeling too sick, but you might also have down days, for lots of reasons, and that’s OK. The hardest part was not being able to explain to colleagues that even if I appeared fine and had even just made a joke, the thought of my wife in her last seconds might suddenly flash into my mind, completely out of the blue, and I’d be sent back to Square One for a short time.
Support
Wherever you are in your journey, there are organisations that can support you. The Loss Foundation has a whole host of resources that can help you understand more about the process of grieving. You can also see a list of other organisations that might be relevant to you in our resources section.