Your feelings

You might find that the first 24 hours are just a blur. Your world will have turned upside down, there may feel like there’s no hope, nowhere to go. Other families who have been where you are tell us that it’s important to remember: You don’t need to try and process anything at this stage. Think about the things you can stay in control of. You are likely to need to look after your child(ren) – for some this will happen by instinct. Think about what extra help you’ll need to look after them and get this in place. Try to brush your teeth, have a shower, change your clothes. Keep to as many of your routines as possible. Just breathe. Making it to bedtime will feel an accomplishment, and it certainly will be.

I found myself in complete survival mode: I found myself making a bulk order of nappies, baby formula and ready meals, knowing I was doing what I needed to survive for now, one day at a time.

Your house might feel like a circus, and you might feel at once alone, smothered, shocked and unable to think clearly. There will be a few key people who need to know. Think about who needs to hear from you, and who you can ask to tell other people. Only inform those people you want to. They can then tell other people who need to know. Don’t feel like you have to do anything you don’t want to. If anyone turns up at the door, remember they’re doing it out of love and care. Feel free to accept anything they give you but don’t feel obliged to welcome anyone in. Don’t worry about replying to messages. Make sure your children are being looked after but ask family members and people you trust for help. You’ll need to think about how to talk to them about what has happened – see the section about supporting children. If there are enough people in the house looking after your children, try to take some time out of the house, just for you.

Caring for a baby might be new to you. Remember that the first few weeks after having a baby are hard for every parent, even without all that you are going through. All new parents need help and advice in the early days, so ask the midwife or health visitor for any support or advice you need in terms of feeding, holding, bathing, sleep routines and bonding with your baby. Accept help from parents, your partner’s parents and friends. And even if it’s only for short periods, try to enjoy time with your baby.

For the first few days, I felt completely smothered. I had so many family, friends and well-wishers popping round, as well as countless phone calls with various support and investigation teams phoning and knocking at the door, that it felt too much. I needed some space. Two days in, I went for a haircut. I sat and had a coffee, amongst other people. That need for normality was real.

For more information, see sections on:

• Your role in telling people and managing family relationships
• Parenting through grief
• Planning a funeral

You may be craving a routine for you and your child(ren), and you might start to feel like this is more achievable once you’ve established what you and your family need day-to-day. You might not know what that routine will look like straight away too and that's okay. It can take time to tap into your needs and wants while navigating this new normal. You’ll still be in shock, it still won’t feel real, but make sure you take a moment to give yourself credit for getting through each little milestone: the first week, the first day on your own, the first day out. Take time to congratulate yourself for every win, however small they are.

I was so desperate for that sense of normality that I ended up arranging to have Thursday afternoons free so I could do some work for school; I escaped to a local coffee shop with my laptop and made some lesson PowerPoints and staff training documents. It was a form of escapism; for those three hours a week, I was able to be the old me, and it helped me enormously.

For more information, see sections on:

• Parenting through grief
• Informing banks and services
• Managing finances

It takes time to build new routines, but without realising it, you might have found yourself seeing more chinks of light during the day, more times when you realise not only that you will be able to cope, but that you are coping, and that you’re stronger than you realised you’d be able to be. Your new normal will become more apparent and you’ll begin to get used to it.

Everyone’s experience of grief is unique and the things that help and cause setbacks are varied. These models of grief might help explain some of the feelings you have and the help you might put in place at different times. Other families who have been where you are want you to know: try to accept help and build your community even though managing relationships after such an awful event are not always easy; work out who you can rely on and for what – you’ll sometimes be surprised who falls away and who is there for you in the ways you need most; research supportive organisations – there’s a lot of free and paid-for support out there; use APP peer support - talk to others who have been there one to one, or join APP’s monthly bereaved families group; look after yourself - put support in place so that you can have time to focus on your own wellbeing. You will need different things at different times. Grief isn't a linear process. Needing to lean more on friends or family or other supports later in your grief journey isn't a step back.

I unashamedly accepted any help I could get, with my grief, with looking after my baby, with taking time away from my children for some ‘me’ time. My social calendar became busier than it ever had been! I felt for some time the need to be around people, constantly. I craved their praise and positivity.

For more information, see sections on:

• Parenting through grief
• Managing finances
• Models of grief
• Inquests and Investigations
• Managing the media
• Counselling & support

You’ll probably find the build-up to the anniversary to be heavy and tough - there’ll be things at that time of year which remind you of events in the build-up and everything you have lost (maybe the weather/someone’s birthday, an annual sporting event). You might want to plan something positive, or at least productive, for that day and that evening; perhaps with others, perhaps alone. You might want to plan something that is a distraction and will lighten the mental load. Or you might want to plan a specific remembrance activity, a time to spend on your own with photos, or with your children, friends or family sharing memories or marking the occasion in some way.

However you want to tackle the anniversary, don’t fret and overthink it: whatever you do, you’ll be making the right choice for you. Birthdays, anniversaries and milestones might look very different now than they did before your loss. It's okay to need or want to make new traditions or do something very different.

The best way I managed to cope with milestones was visualising them, telling myself what the event or day might look like, and overcoming it by making myself busy or doing something nice. A few minutes before the exact minute she died, I rang the Samaritans, not because I was feeling suicidal, but because I needed someone to be listening to me, someone who didn’t know me but who had professional empathy. It made me feel so much better.

There will be long term implications of all that has happened. There will be no end to grieving, it will just happen in different ways. What you need from people will change over time. It might be helpful to revisit these models of grief to understand how things might change for you over time. APP’s bereaved families group is here for you no matter when your loss was.

You may find yourself starting to look ahead and reassessing your life priorities: do I go back to work/do I stay at my job? What do my children need, what will childcare look like? What do I need to tell them about their mum as they get older? Will I have other relationships? What will the implications of that be? All these questions, while you won’t have all the answers, are good, because it shows that the fog is starting to become a little clearer - your mind is opening up to coping with the future.

You might find others have views or make assumptions about the stage you should be at and what you should be doing - that you should or shouldn’t be able to start looking for something or someone new - job, relationship or home. Have the confidence to take things at your own pace; only you know what’s right for you. We all grieve in different ways and at different paces.

When I lost my wife, I was desperate to have as many ‘normals’ back in my life as possible, and a big part of that was to get back to work as quickly as I could. But after a year, I started to realise I couldn’t give what I used to, partly because of my childcare routines, and partly because I realised I no longer had the mental capacity to take on other people’s emotional loads. I was lucky enough to find a partner after just over a year, who has helped me and my children enormously. Among some circles, there were judgements and questions as to whether it was too soon. It frustrated and upset me - how dare anyone tell me what was too soon? I went with my own judgement and did what came naturally; I knew what was best for me and my family.

For more information, see sections on:

• Parenting through grief
• Models of grief
• Counselling & support
• Supporting children