Partners and families share their knowledge about navigating your roles and tasks over the next few months. Click/tap any heading for information.

Telling people: who needs to know what

You shouldn’t feel pressured to tell anyone about what has happened. Think about who needs to hear from you and who can hear from others. Ask for other people’s help to tell those who need to know. You’ll feel all over the place and you probably won’t feel you have the time or mental strength to tell more than a few people. If possible, talk in person to partner’s parents and include them as much as possible in decision making.

You don’t have to announce anything to the world. As long as you and your child(ren) are cared and catered for, that’s all that matters.

Within the first couple of hours, I left any Whats App groups I was a part of because I couldn’t bear to see anyone be normal at that time. It was quite some time before I went back to these groups to see people share gossip and memes.

I initially felt the need to tell as many people as possible about what had happened, but after the first few I felt extremely heavy, so I let other people take the strain for me.

Parenting through grief and support with childcare

Parenting a new baby or children on top of coping with your own grief may feel overwhelming. At times, you won’t be able to stop yourself feeling suddenly sad, anxious, exhausted, numb. Don’t feel like you have to cover these feelings up in front of your children; it’s good to show emotions and that you miss your partner. This said, parenting - and the immediate needs it can bring (changing nappies, feeding, playing) - can provide a helpful distraction and delay your grief until you have the space to process it later down the line.

Midwives and health visitors can provide support in the early days. They can provide you with milk cartons so you don’t have to worry about making up bottle feeds and advice on caring for a new baby. Accept as much help as you need from parents, partner’s parents, friends and health professionals. You don’t have to do this alone. You are not inconveniencing people by asking for or accepting help. It’s human nature to want to lend a hand and rely on others. Babies and children are hard work - there is truth in the saying “it takes a village” to raise one. It bonds people to be allowed to help each other.

If others are helping with baby care, try to get involved too as much as you can and enjoy time with your baby even if it’s only for short amounts of time.

Remember, no parent is perfect. Work out what you can manage, let the things that are not of immediate importance go. Food, sleep, cuddles, time are important to babies and young children. It doesn’t matter that these things are provided by multiple safe adults. Lower standards and expectations and ask others for help with the things you can’t get to. It’s worth remembering that loved ones don’t always know what you need, so keep communicating.

With a three-year-old and a newborn, I had no choice but to do what I needed to do for them; playing trains with my son, feeding my newborn - these are things that I just had to do because I had no other option. I found myself with several offers from friends and family to come round and help, and I absolutely took them up on it.

I was ‘fortunate’ that my wife’s family only lived a few minutes away and were able to help with a lot of the childcare, which also provided a welcome distraction for them.

Managing family relationships

Although you and everyone in your partner’s family will have your own unique relationship with your partner, you will all have a shared feeling of grief. This might bring comfort, but with emotions running high, might also lead to arguments that are borne of the anguish you all feel. Be kind to one another.

Planning a funeral

Funerals often happen around ten days to two weeks after the death, but with the circumstances of your partner’s passing, it may take a little longer due to the police and the coroner needing to take longer with their investigation. Planning the funeral will be mentally challenging and you might find it draining; it’s a significant milestone and it’s important to be mindful of everyone’s wishes within your partner’s family. But remember that you only need to deal with it once, and then it’s done. You’ll hopefully find that the funeral director is able to take care of everything, and make it as smooth a process as possible. Don’t feel like you have to do everything yourself; yours and your partner’s family will all want to help and contribute.

The practical elements and considerations of arranging a funeral are considered here: Arranging a funeral - Citizens Advice.

You can find information if you need help paying for a funeral here: Help paying for a funeral - MoneyHelper

As soon as we finalised a date for the funeral, I remember my heart gave what felt like an almost audible thud. It was like I’d set a countdown timer, and the next two weeks were just a dreaded countdown to that date. Speaking at my wife’s funeral was the most challenging thing I’ve ever done. I knew that the day would be awful - and most of the service felt like that - but I prepared myself as best I could. I visited the crematorium the day before so I could visualise everything. I practised my speech many times with different people. The service was hard, but once the wake arrived, I felt a sense of relief, and it was actually a positive experience to share happy memories of my wife with all of her loved ones.

Registering the death, informing banks and services

Some tasks are unavoidable and need to be done fairly quickly, such as registering the death and arranging the funeral, other things can wait until you feel able. Be kind to yourself and accept all the offers of help available.

Registering the Death and Tell Us Once

You should register the death within five days. This will take longer where the death has been reported to the coroner. This link describes what may happen: What to do after someone dies: When a death is reported to a coroner - GOV.UK

Once you have either an interim death certificate from the coroner or a final death certificate from the registrar you can use the Tell Us Once service. It allows you to inform a range of government services that you have lost your loved one, including HMRC, Department for Work and Pensions, the DVLA, and the local council.

You might also need to inform

  • Your partner’s place of work
  • Your child(ren)’s school or nursery
  • Banks
  • Utility companies; for example:
  • energy, water, phone, and internet
  • Insurance companies
  • GP, dentist, optician and anyone else providing medical care
  • Membership or subscription services - for example, gym/streaming services

The death notification service (DNS) allows you to notify a death to certain banks and other financial institutions with one notification. Not all banks are part of the scheme. The current list of members is here: Who Can I Notify : Banks and Building Societies.

I found this job quite laborious, and quite frustrating at times. I ended up having to make four phone calls to transfer my partner’s details to me when sorting out tax-free childcare. I wish I’d known about the ‘Tell Us Once’ service, as it’s relatively new and does a lot of the groundwork for you.

Many organisations wanted sight of the death certificate, so I thought I’d need about 10 copies. However, most were happy to see a scanned, or even a photographed copy, so I only needed a couple of originals from the registrar. As each certificate costs £12.50 this was a useful saving at a time when I had no idea how I was going to manage financially. I was told I could always apply for more if needed.

For more information see:

Dealing with probate - managing a person’s property, finances and possessions

You may be named as an executor in your loved one’s will and might need to apply for probate. This gives you legal permission to manage a deceased person’s property, finances and possessions. If there is no will, you may need to apply for ‘letters of administration’. In some circumstances probate may not be necessary.

These guides give an overview of what to do

The following websites and guides give wider information surrounding bereavement including wills, probate, property and housing.

These guides give information on wills and who may inherit if no will is left:

This guide explains whether probate is necessary:

Property in the sole name of a deceased person will pass according to the will or the rules of intestacy. Jointly owned property is described in the following guide:

If you are in rented accommodation: